Its been a long time since I have written anything on here. A lot has happened in my life since my last post, which at the moment I dont even know when that was.
To start off I had a lot of marriage problems after I placed Ryker. Mainly because I was afraid to show any intimacy towards my husband because, I was afraid I would get pregnant. I wouldn’t hug him, kiss him, and in bed I would curl up in a ball and face the other direction. As much as I told everyone I wasn’t affected by placing Ryker, I was. I went into a huge depression, even though I was actively in Rykers life. Any ways, because of this my husband didn’t feel wanted or loved, and it caused us to fight a lot. I didn’t know how to talk to him about how I was feeling because, Ryker wasn’t his. Which was another reason I felt like I couldn’t be around him. I felt so disappointed in myself, and would often ask why I did what I did? Why did I let other people affect my relationship with my husband? Why did I jump the gun and feel like I needed to be with another guy? Why did I get pregnant? These are questions that really didnt need to be answered and things I should of just let go. I should of made my piece and been done with it but they ate me up all the time. My biggest problem was I just needed to talk to him, express my feelings, let him in. When I started doing that, started letting myself be loved was when everything started working out, and our problems shrunk, and our marriage was becoming better.
I was still afraid to get pregnant but after a year I decided it was ok, that I didnt have anything to worry about. Well I was 2 days late for my period and I knew. I took 4 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive. I cried, I cried so hard. I knew it was going to happen why did I go against my judgement and allow myself to do that? I was afraid. What was Ryker going to think, what was his parents going to think? Hell what were my parents going to think? I didnt tell anyone for a long time, and even now only a handful of people know, well I guess until after I post this. Around 8 weeks I started bleeding really bad I thought for sure it was a miscarriage, I was upset at myself again. I blamed myself if I lost the baby. Turns out I had, and still have a sub-chronic hemorrhage, which is a blood clot in my uterus. I had to take it easy for a long time, which is hard when you have 2 kids.
I eventually worked up the courage and told Nick and Kris and my parents and everyone is happy for me, ecstatic and cant wait. My husband and I talked about what we were going to do. We would place this baby for adoption? Would we keep it? Are we ready for another baby? Are the kids ready for another baby? We knew we wanted one more but were planning on waiting until Noah was about 10 and Nathaniel was about 8. After many nights discussing it we came to a agreement. My husband will be almost 40 in 5 years, he didnt want to be a dad to a new born at that age, which I can understand my dad was the same way. We didnt want to have 2 grown kids and still have one living at home. The baby will be starting school when I am done with my schooling, if we were to wait I would have to stop working to be at home with the baby and thats not something I want to do, once I start working I want to be working. So we came to the conclusion that we are going to keep and raise this baby, and I am getting my tubes tied as soon as the baby is born. I do not want any more and since all the birth controls I have tired failed me this is the only option and I am happy with it.
It took me awhile to go public with it, because I was afraid of what others might think, but since my parents, Nick and Kris, and the few others that know are happy and support me and can get excited, I can now be excited and no longer be afraid of what others will think of me. Its my life and I am doing better then I was a year ago, hell better then I was at the beginning of the year. So I am please to announce that my husband and I will be expecting Nolan Eugene Petty March of 2017. Yes we are having another little boy!