Fear

There is so much running through my mind, it feels like my thoughts are literally crashing into the side of my skull trying to break free, but my mouth for some reason cant form the words to make them come out. I am confused, hurt and angry, I dont understand. We are the smartest, most intelligent species to ever walk this earth yet we cant grasp how to love and accept one another as we are.  We have created medicines that have saved millions of lives, we have gone to space and created robots. Yet in the year 2016 we are unable to understand that not everything is how it was written in our history books. As humans we cant figure out that life changes whether we like it or not.

“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” FDR

Fear is the sidewalk we walk down every day, with the expectation that everything will be ok, but its not.  Fear is hoping, that you can send you kids to school, with out them getting kidnapped, shot, or rapped. Its sending your husband to work not knowing if they will be back in the morning because they wear a badge. Its the confusion on what bathroom you can or can not use. Its going to the movies, or the club trying to escape the hatred of the world only for the world to follow you in and kill you. Fear is not knowing if my dad will come home because of his job, or that my brother wont come home because of his skin color,  or my birth son fathers wont come home because they love each other. Fear consumes so much of life that its hard to enjoy it.

Fear dictates us, its our leader, and it has everyone in chains.  We can sit here and point fingers and blame this person or that person but its all of us. We have installed this fear, this hatred, this loathing into everyone’s minds from the time we are born. Its all we are taught its the only thing in history books. Fear spreads faster then any diseases its taken over the tabloids its on every corner and in every store.

I dont want to live like this I am sure no one wants to live like this, so why do we? We learn from a very early age not to judge a book by its cover yet its the first thing anyone does. Its time to read the inside cover, get to know the book the story, the background before we put it back on the shelf and deem it as not “right”. I challenge everyone to get to know someone who you normally wouldnt. Help, smile, hug talk to anyone who isnt “normal” be the change that everyone seeks. Stop thinking it will just happen we have to make it happen.

To anyone who fears being who they are i am sorry, I wish more then anything that it wasnt like that for you. I am here you are not alone. I am the birthmother who understands why you placed you baby, I am the sister who understands having a biracial brother, I am the daughter who understands the fear of having someone you love wear the badge. I am the friend who supports who you love. I am the student who knows that not all religions are bad. But most of all I am human and I share this world with you help me understand your life if I dont already. Peace love and universal blessings to all.

-Kedra-

Happy Mothers day

“I am proud of you has never escaped your lips” not once can I remember that saying coming from your mouth. Ive spent most of my life thinking I am a “over emotional, drama queen, bitch” a “disappointment” “i cant get my life together” All i have ever wanted was to make you happy but sadly i feel like i never have. Many people think I was lazy didnt do anything but cause problems in the family, hardly anyone listens to me, not even my father up until recently. I was 22 the first time i heard him say he was proud of me, even thanked me for helping raise my brothers, but not my mom, she still thinks i didnt do anything. 3 years ago she tried to kill herself, and blamed me and my brother for not showing her enough love. It hurt to know me, her oldest daughter, who soothed her almost every night when my dad was away cause her head hurt, sat behind her in the bath rubbing her head to make her feel better. Me the 13 year old who would wake up and get myself ready before waking my brothers up to get the ready for school. Me the 9 year old who started babysitting earning my own money to buy the things I wanted. Me who got a part time job at 16, every day i was up at 5 am getting myself ready before my brothers, going to school all day then going straight to work until 10 at night then I had to do my homework. Me who in 7th grade my best friend thought my youngest brother was mine because I was always with him.  Me who always always keeps the family together when times are hard. ME who cant even barley keep my own family together cause I am to busy trying to make my mom feel loved so she wont do what she did 3 years ago.  She is part of the reason I placed Ryker I didnt want to be a disappointment to her again, I didnt want to hear he say yet again that I couldnt take care of another baby, when I already knew that. I went my entire pregnancy with my dad not talking to me and my mom telling e one thing and other people something else about my situation. Ive heard her tell me “you cant do several things at once,  you must not be a very good mom” it hurts even if she is joking. I take a lot of pride that she was 16 when she had me gave everything up for me but she has no problem holding that over my head.
Ever since I placed Ryker I feel like she wished she would of followed through with placing me, and my middle brother the only child she ever wanted, that she ever planned was my youngest brother and hes made her the proudest.  This mothers day my mom told me that she was still waiting to feel special like ive never made her feel that way, and when I told her it upset me she told me i shouldnt take things so seriously and now wont even talk to me. All I want is her to realize that Im trying, that i do love her and the only person that care what they think of me is her and so far all I think is she think is negative. I have fucked up i know, but i have never been heavy into drugs, never been arrested or in trouble with the law. I know i had kids young when I could hardly afford them know I have had relationship problems but I am doing good now and I wish she would see that. I know i have hurt her, and made her feel used but I have apologized over and over again. IM sorry i am so sorry.
Happy mothers day.

Vic not Victoria

When I was 17 I started going to this alternative school that helped me get my ged and my professional photographer certificate.  My first day I felt awkward, like I didnt belong there. I was the only white girl in a class full of minorities whom all claimed a gang.  I quietly took my seat, didnt make eye contact with anyone and just did what was asked of me.
About half way through the teacher made all of us stand in a circle, and did the “lets get to know each other” game. We went around a circle and introduced ourselves. “hi my name is Kedra, Im going here for the same reason all of you are, Im turning 18 on the 23rd” thats when I hear Vic, “my birthday is the 23rd too!”
For the next 2 weeks Vic took me under his wing, I got a lot of crap from almost everyone there especially when I wore a certain color. I was constantly made fun of and talked down to, Vic always stood up for me. I felt bad for him, he wanted to do good in life but he didnt know how to get out of the gang that he was prematurely put into. He didnt have support and really had to defend for himself. I saw Vic as an awesome caring guy who just needed a little positive in his life. 1 month later I got thrown off, Vic asked me for a pad! I was so confused and he could tell I was confused, thats when Vic told me he was actually a girl. “I was born a girl but Ive always wanted to be a boy, I go by Vic because my name is Victoria” I was so full of questions, at that point I had never met a transgender person.  He ended up telling me that when he was 3 his grandma asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said “i want to be a boy”. I was baffled, you always here that its a decision people make when they are older, and confused. No he was 3 years old and he knew that he didnt want to be a girl, he wanted to be a boy.
Vic was my best friend and he told me that he never had anyone in his life like me, who supported him, accepted him, and actually wanted him to do good in life. Even the teachers told me that I was what he needed for him to know his worth and for him to keep going. I dont know what happened to Vic but I hope he was able to achieve what he wanted to in his life.
The point of this is that we are all so quick to judge someone based off of what the media is telling you. What is there to fear? You, the person who is straight who is doing the “right” thing what is there to fear with these people who are “faggots” “queer” “doing the wrong thing”. What is so scary about that? You know that feeling when you were younger and you wanted to do something so bad but you didnt because the other kids where making fun of you? You know when you were playing dodge ball and you were the last to get picked for a team, and how crappy you felt about that? You remember when you were the new kid in school and you had no friends so you sat quietly until someone noticed you? That feeling of not belonging, that feeling of loneliness, that feeling in your stomach where you dont think you will be able to make it another day at school, but your parents made you go any way? That feeling sucks its crappy, but eventually you were accepted and you moved on with your life. These people are just like you, they just want to be accepted for who they are. Not for their label, but them as people, cause thats all they are, people. They breath, eat and shit just like straight people. They love, they care and believe it or not they have feelings too. This label, this tag society has created for them to “wear” is stupid.  You, the people who fear of transgender people sharing a bathroom with your daughters cause something might happen to her. IF you are really scared for your daughters life like that, dont let her walk to school, there was a little girl here 3 years ago who was abducted on her way to school, the 17 year old tortured her and cut her body into pieces and hid it in his closet, he was straight. Also dont let her go to school, I was molested in 8th grade by 3 guys in middle of the classroom while the teacher went away, then again my 9th grade year I was held under water until my face turned blue so a guy could feel me up, they were also straight.  Dont let her have a facebook or instagram because there are perverts who will look at her pictures and maybe stalk her; but to fear for her because a man who now identifies himself as a women using the womens bathroom is stupid. You do realize when she gets to college most of the bathrooms are shared between men and women, like a penis could be peeing in one stall and a vagina in the next stall, no one has ever batted an eye at that.     I dont know what the big deal is. Teach your child to accept, to love, and to have compassion. This world lacks it, and its because people are raised to discriminate, to hate, to look down on anyone who is different then our history books.  This is a new age, a new generation, its now the present not the past. Make this world a better place.
-Kedra-

1 Year Later

 

It will be a year next Saturday that Ryker was born. Its really hard to believe that its been a year. This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions, and each day I realize something different about my life and the reasoning’s on why I am where I am at.  Like I have stated before I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant with Ryker that I was not meant to be his mother, and that his parents were out there and were looking for him. In this last year Rykers parents have made it very clear to me that they were the best decision I could of made for Ryker.  I love that they have kinda adopted me and my family as well, in the sense that they try to include us in as much as possible. Ryker is now a model for Zulilly so if you ever have a chance, like around Easter check him out he is very adorable. He crawls and is trying to walk. He gets excited every time we skype, mainly because he is at that age where everything is exciting haha. He calls his parents DEDE cause he cant say daddy yet, which I find adorable. He has his dads wrapped around his tiny little finger and gets very jealous if they hold another kid. HE is very very smart and everyone loves him, Im not just saying that cause im his birthmother its true. I love seeing Ryker but a year later  saying goodbye is no easier. Its not just hard saying goodbye to Ryker but his parents as well, because they have become like older brothers/ good friends/ family that I never really had growing up and its sad cause they are the only family that visits.  Last week the kids and I got to see them in person and it was great and helped put some feelings at ease.

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Adoption is different for everyone. I think its important for me to tell you that my story is not the same as any other birthmothers story, each one is uniquely their own.
Not everything goes as planned and yes sometimes feelings get hurt. I want you all to know, just like any relationship the most important thing you can do is be honest with one another and communicate. Its also important for everyone to step in the others shoes and realize the reason they have done what they have done, and why they are where they are at now. At the beginning of the adoption process every emotion comes to play on both sides, fear, happiness, anger, and sad.  For an adoptive couple adopting a baby is their answers to becoming parents, to birthparents adoption is the answer that their child will be taken care of. I have noticed a lot in adoption that adoptive parents words have not been honored, and it can hurt the birthmother a lot, they feel lied to and deceived and its devastating; however, stepping back I can kinda understand why the adoptive parents dont keep their words.  For them they struggle with fertility, or have miscarried or their child has passed away, as an adoptive couple there is always that thought that at any time the birth parents can change their mind and take their baby back, thats a fear that most parents have but its stronger in parents who lost or cant have babies. They are fearful and sometimes fear overcomes them and all they can think to do is take the reason for that fear out of their lives. Im not saying its right but it happens and I want you to know that.  Stepping into the adoption process be honest and communicate be clear and respectful to one another, because at the end of the day all of you are apart of that child’s life, and like any parents whether its step parents, adoptive parents, birthparents or just parents, the common goal is to do whats best for that child.

-Kedra-

 

Social Media

Lets face the facts, we are a culture that is ran on social media. Social media is the place where we share pictures and update family and friends we dont see often. Social media has replaced the ways we meet people, the way we talk and the way we approach every day situations.  Social media has become the vessel that keeps everyone in the know. However social media has also become the platform to drag one another down. Its amazing to see how much negative emotions are spread around the world wide web. Its amazing how, Im sorry to say it, but how dumb social media has formed people into. People spread pictures or memes of current events that are twisted into ways that arent fully the truth but many people believe they are. Social media has made us so we dont learn about the facts just accept them as they are forwarded.  Social media is the place everyone turns to when someone gets shot or are fighting, videos are posted and the hate just spreads and spreads. I find it really interesting that more hate is spread then positive.  So I have made it my goal to only post positive things. My life in the eyes of social media may seem like its amazing but, its just like everyone else. There are days I feel defeated and that everyone and everything is against me but who am I to spread that negative and bring everyone into that negative space I am in? Ive come to the conclusion that life is endless suffering because we cant just accept things the way they are and make it our mission to get more. All you have is now this moment in time and even this moment is already in the past why dwell on it why spread that one negative moment that is now lost forever time, it  is gone there is no taking it back so stop thinking about it and stop spreading it.
I use my facebook to boast about my children and to spread the positive. Its amazing how reading positive can affect people you dont really talk to. In the last week I have been privetly messaged by two different people that I haven’t talked to since high school, telling me that they love how positive I am and how I look at life and that I am a inspiration and their reason that they have a slightly better day.  Social media has the power to change people for the better we just have to be the better that the world needs.
-Kedra-

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