Month: April 2015 (page 1 of 2)

61 days, 54 days, 50 days

2 months doesnt seem like a long time but it really is. 61 days have passed since the day I gave birth to Ryker, 54 days have passed since he got out of NICU and 50 days have passed since he went home to Seattle with his dads. Some days are still harder then others, but  I am learning how to push pass the negative feelings. My brother got us a kitten so it really has helped with the aspect of not having a baby around. When we first got him I had to wake up every 3 hours to feed him out of a syringe and take him to the bathroom, I had to teach him how to play and eat and climb and use all his animal instincts, yes I know a kitten isnt a human baby but having him around makes it feel like there is a baby in the house. I still miss not having a baby to fall asleep on me and its still hard every time Noah asks to see his brother, or if his brother can go to the park with us, its still hard when ever we go to Wal-Mart and Noah picks out toys and clothes for Ryker cause he wants to give them to him, its still hard when Nathaniel grabs the picture of Ryker and carries it around asking where he is. Sometimes its hard when people ask how many kids I have and when I tell them they ask to see him and I have to watch the confusion in their faces as I explain that I placed him for adoption. Sometimes it gets annoying having to explain the same story over and over again, sometimes it gets annoying when people say “I dont know how you could do that, I could never do that” Sometimes I feel my heart breaking when I see other people who are pregnant and are bringing their babies home cause I didnt get to do that, and sometimes i feel stupid feeling that because I got to bring two babies home already. Every day I look at pictures of all three of my kids with amazement that I was the one that created life for them for 9 months, and continue doing so for 2 of them. I love getting updates on Ryker so far he has gone a boat, been to the beach, went to Washington state capitol to advocate women right to breastfeed in public, next month he is going to be flying on a plane out here to Colorado to visit with his Grandma for her birthday. Im so happy he has so much adventure in his life and the days I feel down I just look at the pictures his dads send me they are a constant reminder that he is doing great and he is loved.  I have learned that its best to try and keep my mind busy to think that Ryker isnt here with us, and  right now my days are pretty busy taking care of the kids and house, and mentoring fellow birthmoms, and helping friends host online parties to help their businesses out. Life is going good the best it can go right now, I am happy with everything. Im so excited for next month to be here so I can see Ryker and Nick and Kris and hopefully get pictures done of all 3 of the boys (Noah, Nathaniel and Ryker).

-Kedra-

Strangers

Last night I went to the hospital, I hate the hospital, in fact in the last 5 years I have only been to the hospital when I was pregnant for pregnant related problems other then that I dont care how sick I get I stay clear of them. Last night was one of the best hospital visits I have had for 2 reason.
Being a women and having lower abdominal pain the nurses and doctors always ask you how many times you have been pregnant and how many live births you have had. After Ryker I was afraid that I was going to forget to say that I have had 3 live births because I wasnt raising him. Well the charge nurse was the first to ask me “How many pregnancies have you have” I reply with “4” then she asked how many live births I have had I said “3” then its the typical questions about my symptoms, I tell her that I had a baby 2 months ago and what I am experiencing, I didnt think it had anything to do with postpartum recovery. So she is typing away and asked how the baby is, I tell her he is good and that I am excited I get to see him next month. She gave me a really confused look and that was when I replied I placed him for adoption and she looked away didnt say anything else. Then I get to my room and my nurse for the night asked me the same questions and then ended with how is the baby doing, I told her the same thing and she didnt say anything. I got asked the same question by 2 other doctors and replied with the same answer.  As I’m getting wheeled back for my ultrasound I start talking to Stephanie the ultrasound tech. I started asking her questions about schooling and what I have to do to become a ultrasound tech. It was nice to finally have a conversation instead of doctor talk. Then we get on the subject of me placing Ryker for adoption. She said that she really commends me for doing something so hard, and said that im really brave. She goes on to add that her little brother is adopted and so is her husband. She asks me a whole bunch of questions and I answer all of them. Im not afraid to tell people that I placed Ryker for adoption. There is nothing shaming to me that I placed my baby for adoption. I gave him life and I placed him with a couple that could continue on giving him life. So Stephanie went back to her office and came back with her number and the clinic she works at and told me to call her so I can meet with her to give her the agencies information and my information because she has a lot of women who come in asking about adoption and she wants to be able to give them our information she even wrote down my blog name. I was so happy, because a lot of people dont agree with adoption. They think its taking the easy way out of parenting, but not Stephanie she thought I was amazing because of it. I left the hospital with a smile on my face because of her.

IT was freezing when I left the hospital and I was only wearing a tank top, which shows all my tattoos. Parker is a very rich neighborhood so most everyone is snotty cause you know they have money, obviously they are better then the low life sitting in the cold wearing a tank top covered in tattoos. It was kinda amusing I would watch them come out and I would say Hi because I am a polite person and they would look at me then look directly down at their feet and clutch their purse or their wife and hurry off. I was sitting for about 10-15 minutes freezing and my skin was going numb (My phone was dead so i was sitting outside instead of inside cause if i wasnt then i wouldnt of known when Jesse got there and I didnt want him to have to get the kids out of the car to come find me) when this older man starts walking my direction to get to his car he smiled at me and I said “Hi” and he says “hi, that wind is a little chilly tonight” I laugh and say “yeah a little and I forgot my jacket” he then walks off and i curl my legs up to my chest to try and stay warm and next thing I know he is draping his jacket around my arms saying “stay warm have a good night” I was amazed told him thank you so much and he replies of course you need to stay warm have a good night and walks off.  You dont see that every day, someone give there really nice jacket to a stranger. Hell you dont see anyone do anything nice for a stranger any more, so it was nice to have someone do that for me, especially since I have been down on myself for the past few days.

Thank you Stephanie the ultrasound tech and thank you stranger for giving me your jacket you two made my hospital visit better and my week better. You both showed me it doesnt take much to be kind, to care and to show compassion and interest in people you dont know. I wish more people would be like that. So I challenge anyone reading this, pay it forward. Be nice to someone you dont know dont judge them for the way the look, or for placing their baby for adoption. Dont judge them because you dont know them, treat them the way you want to be treated and do something NICE for them.

-Kedra-

 

Arlo

Today I am dedicating this post to my angel in heaven, Arlo.

I don’t get to talk about my son as much as I like to and so I am here to tell you about the greatest gift God has ever given me. My pregnancy with Arlo.

It was May 2014 and I was 21 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I was not with his father, I was drinking a lot and just wasn’t in good spot in my life. I considered getting a abortion and even called and had a appointment set up. When that day finally came, I didn’t go. I couldn’t stand the thought of just killing off the life growing inside me.

At 16 weeks I went to my first appointment and was confirmed about the little peanut growing inside me when I first heard that little heartbeat. To this day, that is still the best sound I have ever heard. A week later, I had my first ultrasound and found out my little peanut was in fact a boy. He wasn’t shy about showing us either. He had his legs wide open for all of us to see. From the start he was active, even though I couldn’t feel him move at that point, you could see it in the ultrasound. It took the doctor 45 minutes to get all his measurements because he moved so much. It didn’t take him long to get the nickname jumping bean from my mom.  He was so perfect from the start. I couldn’t stop staring and smiling at those pictures for the longest time. I was so happy that day.

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Week 16

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Week 17! It’s a boy!

 

Arlo loved my left side, and that where he stayed most of the time. If laid down, the left side of my stomach was always bigger and every appointment my doctor would laugh and comment about it. As weeks went on I watch as him and I got bigger and bigger. By week 22 I finally felt his kicks, though they were small and not very common, I got so excited. Every time I would feel him I would have this huge smile on my face. My second happiest day. I didn’t really start showing until the end of the second trimester but I got so excited when I started to show and everyone start asking questions. I thought that pregnancy looked good on me.

 

21weeks

Week 21

 

Week 36

Week 36

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Week 32

Week 32 ,I knew that Arlo could hear pretty well outside the womb, I started having my mom and boyfriend at the time talk to him and I started playing music for him. It was so amazing to see him react to each different voice he knew. He knew when my mom was around or when Stefan would talk to him. He even had his favorite songs. If I were in the car and start playing a song and jam out, he would always wake up and start kicking. I loved how not even 15 minutes to me waking up in the morning, so would he. I loved how you could see him turning over in my stomach because the poor thing didn’t have much room. I loved having my mom, Stefan or Bria play with him. He got so excited, my stomach wouldn’t stop moving, he loved it. I would always mess with his feet because they were always in my ribs, he had a favorite spot he loved to kick, it hurt but I didn’t mind. Arlo was such a easy and wonderful pregnancy. I loved being pregnant with him. From the start I adored him. I could tell he was so much like me and it made me excited and kind of nervous at the same time. Arlo was born January 23rd at 11:48 pm. 6lbs, 13ozs and 19 inches of pure perfection. Head full of blonde hair and looking just like his momma. I was so in love. On January 24th at 12:37 am. My angel went to heaven and my heart was forever broken.

When I found out he didn’t make it, that my perfect angel was gone, I felt something inside me die as well. I will never forget those days. The day I gave birth and the day I lost the love of my life. The day God gained a new beautiful angel and the world lost a ray of light that they never knew. The day my whole life got turned upside down. Losing him has been the worst pain I have ever felt. Nothing will ever compared to that pain and loss. Since that day, I have felt empty. I am all out of love because I gave that little boy my whole heart and he still has it.

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Arlo baby, you were and still are the greatest gift. You showed me what being in love was all about. You saved me from myself. You showed me how precious life is. I thank God every single day for having the opportunity to care for you, to nourish you and to love you. You are by far the biggest and greatest accomplishment. I wish you were here today and everyday. I cry for you, I pray for you. I hope you know I would have given my own life for you to be here.  My heart bleeds and hurts for you. You didn’t get the chance like you should have. I wish I could hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish so many things for you my little man. I hate that you are gone. I love you so much Arlo Riley. I really really do. You still have my heart and I hope you can still hear it.

 

arlo1

Arlo Riley Harper.

 

I can’t wait to see you again..

Selfless acts.

I have recently had a few people tell me that my son had passed away because I was placing him for adoption. He wasn’t meant to be with another family, only me and for that I was being punished.  Let’s get one thing straight.. That is one of the most untrue, most ignorant things I have ever heard. God is not punishing me. Arlo was not meant for this world. He had already served his purpose.

Adoption is the most beautiful, selfless act. Woman are willing to break their own hearts to give their child the absolute best in life. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Adoption is giving a couple who cannot have children of they own the gift of life. Adoption is not a breaking of trust but the keeping of faith. Not the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake. When someone first asked me about placing my son, I thought hell no. I couldn’t ever fathom someone else taking care of MY son. I was wrong though. Adoption is beautiful, thoughtful and the most amazing thing to me now. Arlo parents were the most kinder souls I have ever met. The agency I went through were filled with the most amazing woman on this planet. Choosing to place my son has nothing to do with him dying and for someone to ever say that shows nothing but ignorance. If I had the chance to change anything about my decision, I wouldn’t. I loved what I was doing and chose for my son.  He would have been so loved by so many people. He would have been happy and well taken care of. He would have known I loved him so much, that I chose to break my own heart for his well being.

If you ever meet a birth mother,or soon to be birth mother. Never say to us that what they are doing is wrong, or that they are taking the easy way out. Never say that they will regret their decision or that we are not taking responsibility for our mistakes. We don’t want to hear any of that nonsense because none of that is true.  Our child was never a mistake, just a happy accident. We will never regret giving some one the gift of life and completing a family. We are definitely not taking the easy way out, adoption is in no way easy.  It isn’t an easy decision at all, far from it but as a parent you have to think about what is best for your child. Placing your baby doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids or want them. It means we want what’s best for them and that’s true love. We don’t sit around as little girls dreaming of the day we will become birth moms. Typically, a turn of events in our lives leads us down the road to making that decision.

Even though my son has passed away. I know for a fact it wasn’t because I chose to place him. God would never punish someone for making such a wonderful selfless act. So please, keep your ignorant opinions like that to yourself.

“My bleeding heart has healed, but that scar is a reminder of the beautiful child that I gladly broke my own heart for.”

The Women Behind it All

Before I came to Adoptions by Heart I was with a different agency, my counselor was a really nice person but the agency didn’t seem to fit with me. I felt like they weren’t as open as I wanted everything to be, they didn’t help me with much of anything, they tried to help me with food once but everything they gave me was expired by years and years. My friend who was pregnant along side of me and who was also placing her son for adoption told me to contact Adoptions by Heart, so I did. I texted Geri right away, and right away she called me and right away she sent over Jeanne to take me grocery shopping.  Geri and Jeanne go out of their ways to make sure any birth mom gets everything she needs. They make you feel like family, they are there 24/7 with advice, ears, shoulders to lean on, counseling, laughs everything.  They go out of their way to ensure every birth mother is comfortable with her decision to place her baby for adoption.
Recently they have been subjected to other adoption agency’s going around, trying to discourage people from working with Adoptions by Heart and its mind boggling. I have never felt closer, care about, counseled and helped more by any other women in the world.   I don’t understand why anyone would say such lies, and I encourage both birthmothers and families to find out for themselves.
Geri and Jeanne have been referred to as angles on earth, compared to mothers and grandmothers. Since I have been with Adoptions by Heart I feel like my family extended not with just with the family that adopted my son, but Geri has become like a second mom to me, Jeanne is the grandmother I never had, all the birth mothers have become like sisters that I never had. It’s such a close knit group and I would recommend this agency to everyone.

Thank you Geri you are an amazing women, mother, friend and counselor. Without you I don’t think I would be where I am at with the decision I made.  You are the most caring, compassionate person out there, especially about your job, your passion always stick out to me about you.  You are one of the only people I know that truly loves what they do and because of that you put your heart into everything to help all of us birth mom’s everyway you can. So from the bottom of my heart thank you.

Thank you Jeanne for all the times you helped take me to my doctor appointments watched my two older kids, taken me to the store. You have become like the grandmother I never had. My kids adore you and I cherish that so much.

These women are a godsend amazing wonderful loving  and caring.  Im glad i met them

-Kedra-

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