Life as of lately….
I started school! If anyone knows me I hated school, but I am actually finding myself loving it. It is only my first month in so like anyone my attitude might change over time. I started this journey to be able to provide for my kids. Placing Ryker was a reality call for me. If I had the education and the right kind of job I would of been able to care for him and both of his brothers. But there was a different fate in my life that led me to adoption and to Rykers parents so I wouldnt change it any other way.
Noah started school! Thats pretty exciting to me. I find myself excited for when he gets out of school, so I can hear about his day. I love hanging up his art work to admire during the day. I love watching him grow academically and smarter just everything.
Nathaniel is growing into such a little boy, he is no longer my baby. I love watching my kids grow but sometimes I wish they could stay my little bittys for ever. Nate is speaking in full sentences and is very inquisitive about everything around him. “Mom whats this” happens every 15 minutes haha. My favorite thing is after he accomplishes something he always says “I did it”.
Ryker is sitting up on his own and eating food! He loves avacodos it was funny watching his face turn green while I was skyping him on my birthday lol. He also laughed and smiled at me it was very heart melting. He can sit up on his own and is babbling lots. Him and his dad will be here at the end of September to finalize the adoption. Im pretty content about it. Im also meeting Kris’s mom while they are out here, its pretty cool that they have so much family, it makes me feel like I have a huge family which I always wanted.
Nothing really exciting but its life. Im not lost in a deep depressed world that I cant seem to get out of, like some people would expect from a mother who placed their child. Im not wondering about a child that I carried then “gave up.” Im not concerned about his well being because Im in touch with his parents. Im going with the flow of life. I have accepted what was and not focusing on what could be, just enjoying the now. Im in love with the life that I decided to take. Im in love with all of my kids and all the family that I have had and the family that has grown with placing Ryker. I am at peace.
244 weeks and 3 days have passed since the moment you came into this world. You were quiet, and I remember saying “Whats wrong with my baby, dont they normally scream when they come out”, then they placed you in my arms and your dark blue eyes just stared at me, and you grasped onto my thumb. 5 years have passed since that day. Tuesday was your first day of school. I was signing you in and I saw you hang your backpack up and go sit down on the rug, eager and ready for the days instructions. I whispered bye, I love you but you didnt hear me. I walked away with tears in my eyes. My baby, the little boy who made me a mom. The little boy who taught me patience, who taught me what true unconditional love is and who made me realize what life is really about, is no longer a baby. Hes smart, funny, witty, caring, eager, and hyper. He makes me want to pull my hair out, run away and scream I GIVE UP, he pushes me harder then anyone has ever done before but he is my savior. He is my light, he is my motivation, my will and my courage. My baby isnt a baby any more, hes a big kid. I flip through pictures and my eyes swell with tears. Tears of happiness and sorrow, time has flown by and as I type this I still find it hard to believe its already been ok almost been 5 years. My chubby, smiling, drooling, crawling baby is now a walking talking real human, haha just kidding but seriously cherish every single minute of your time because before you know it, 2,463,840 minutes have passed and you wonder if you cherished all of them.
This time of age its hard. Its hard to be black, cause of all the main headlines that hit the news. Its hard to be white, cause you’re afraid that everyone sees you as racist. Its hard to be Muslim cause everyone thinks your are a terriost. Its hard to be gay, cause everyone thinks its wrong. Its hard to be a single mother cause you don’t get the help you need or everyone labels you as a slut. ITs hard when you place your kid for adoption cause everyone labels you as the mom who gave up. Its hard to be a cop cause everyone labels you as a murder. Its hard to be skinny cause people labels you with a eating disorder. Its hard to be a size 12 cause everyone labels you as overweight. Its hard to be to have tattoos cause everyone labels you as a criminal.
Labels control this world, and the sad thing is, is everyone feeds into it. Im tired of the dirty stares, Im tired of this mask that society has molded me into. Im tired of people just not excepting one an other for who they are. Im tired and grieving every day. Im tired of worrying. Im tired of always looking behind my shoulder. Im tired of this place we call home, The USA. I want to wake up one morning and not see all this hate surrounded by me. I wish everyone was blind to race no one saw black and white. I wish more the anything that I didnt have to fear for my brothers life every time he leaves the house, I wish I didnt have to fear for my sons fathers to be discriminated against cause they are gay. But more then anything I wish my kids can grow up in the world that I remember. Maybe it was my innocents that was blocking reality but I wish that innocents was the reality.
Im white, I have tattoos, I had a child out of wed lock and placed him with a gay couple, I have a black brother, Im blonde, that what everyone sees me as but that doesnt define who I am.
I am a writer, I am a mother, I love my family, Im in school, Im married, I chose adoption, im caring, im compassionate, i try and help everyone before i help myself. Thats me, thats who I am, everything else you see me as is skin deep. Thats all anyone is, dont judge them by the way the look because they are different then you, dont judge them by who they love cause its different then who you love. Just accept everyone, treat everyone like you wanted to be treated. Stop spreading hate spread love. How can we be and strive to be the greatest nation on earth when we are constantly fighting among ourselves
Rykers fathers and I. Ryker was still in my belly.
My oldest son, Noah
My brother, Sammy.
My Middle baby Nate
Adoption is so much more then what it is viewed as by people who haven’t gone through it. We are always taught that our only alternative is abortion. I know most people will say “well i don’t want to put my body through that its easier to get an abortion and get it over with”. They say “choosing adoption is selfish” I understand not wanting to put your body through that, stretch marks and sickness and gaining weight sucks if you think of it only as that, if you think of it as you are a vessel, a home you’re creating life, you’re a super hero being able to do that. Look at it from a different angle, there are many women who would love to put their body through that but cant and would give anything to experience that. Choosing adoption is the least selfish thing you could ever do. You’re giving your child to someone who waited what seems to be a life time for that blessing, you are going against human nature and placing your baby in the arms of another mother instead of your own. In my opinion the other alternative is selfish. Ending the life of someone because you are not ready is kinda selfish, you were ready to have sex then you are ready to deal with what comes with sex, own up to your responsibility you had sex you got pregnant its no ones fault but yours, and think of what you are creating, think what that baby could grow up to be, the next Doctor, or astronaut you will never know if you get an abortion, if you’re not ready there is a family out there who is.
You all have heard what my experience with adoption is but I wanted to ask Ryker parents what they felt about it and how they like being fathers, this is what they had to say.
“Being a father is the best and scariest thing in the world. It’s amazing to see a little one learn and discover new things around them and see their face light up when the finally figure something out. But it’s the scariest because you’re actually responsible and you do anything in the world to protect and provide for them….I think our story is great! I think it’s different from what others might experience which is okay. I think we have open and honest communication which is a key part, but we also both realize that each side can get busy. There’s never a minute that we dont think about you. We do it every day when we look at Ryker. We cheer you on even if its form the sidelines. We get excited about updates from you and your kids. We are like family. And through it all, its important not to lose sight into whats the most important in this journey, the triad. We could say that this journey is just starting and there is never an end as we just keep adding more and more chapters”
This is why I love adoption. The triad. The never ending bond we will always have, even after Ryker is grown. Its like a bond you have with your husband or wife that bond you get when you have kids its unbreakable even if that relationship doesn’t last. Rykers parents and I may have not created his life together but they are keeping it going. Its hard to explain in words. Its like trying to explain love no one ever has the same answer or response its just something that you feel and know that’s its there.
I have always heard parents sing this song to their kids as they rock them to sleep or to try to calm them down when they arent feeling good or got a owie. I have always sung it to my kids. “You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when sky’s are grey please dont take my sunshine away” I would sing that part over and over again to them and it would calm them down. Today after taking Noah to meet his teacher he wanted me to sing the song so I started singing it, and for whatever reason I looked up the lyrics. And I started crying it made me think of Ryker right away.
The second verse of this song goes “The other night dear, as i lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms. When i awoke, dear, I was mistaken and i hung my head and cried” I have been doing that a lot recently crying for Ryker. I have been having dreams of him. The most recent dream I had was just the other day, we all (Noah, Nate, Ryker and I) were out in a field some where and they where all running around playing with each other, and Ryker ran up to me and gave me a yellow flower and gave me the biggest hug and he just sat in my lap as I held him. I woke up and started crying. I didnt want to get out of bed that day, I didnt want to do anything that day, I sat under a blanket and just watched Noah and Nathaniel run around and play and destroy the house.
Now the rest of the song is for some man longing for his wife at least thats what Im assuming, but this song I dont know if I can sing it to my kids with out feeling THAT FEELING every time I sing it to them. Most days I feel complete and at ease but recently I have had a lot of days of feeling incomplete. I often wonder if this feeling will ever go away, if it will get stronger as he gets older or if it will diminish over time. Right now I just take each day at a time. I wake up and try to be positive every day but there are days I just want to break down and cry. I dont like crying at all but I have learned it helps heal. So 6 months in and I am still learning how to heal and I didnt think it would take that long.
Ryker you and your brothers are my sunshine.