Month: December 2015

Mad at Myself

I recently, well today watched a video of a lady named Ashley Mitchell, and she writes for a blog called Big Tough Girls. Any ways the video was of her holding up cards that each had a fact about her. “…The person I am most mad at is myself, we are never done healing and I am not proud to be called a birthmother, I know what I did to earn that title.” Those are forever true. I can sit here and say that I am mad at the birthfather for putting me in this position. Hell I could go as far as to say that I am pissed off that my old roommate put me in this position, but I can’t say that, I made my choices. I don’t regret my decision to place Ryker for adoption, but I am mad at myself for ever having to come to that decision. I am mad that I exceeded everyone’s preconceptions that I would give up, like I always have. I am mad that, the one thing that I am supposed to do as a women I couldn’t.  I know I am fine, I know I will always be fine, but Ashley is right I don’t know if I’ll ever be done healing. There are still those times that I will just break down and start crying for him, there are still times where I feel numb and it’s been almost a year. There are more days where I feel at ease and happy and at peace those are the days I try to focus on. I am a mother, that’s the title I am proud to hold. I feel like being called a birth mother or being identified as a birthmother is degrading in a sense, it’s like receiving a participation award in my opinion, I participated in the pregnancy and I picked your parents out, but as far as being a mother to him, I never was, and never will be.

I love Ryker so very much and I know that he knows that. I know because he gets the biggest smile on his face when he sees me. The last time I talked to him as soon as he saw me started waving and im pretty sure he said hi, with the biggest smile on his face. I know he will always be a part of my life, which is more than I thought was possible. Nick and Kris are amazing parents and I am very fortunate that they are Rykers parents, and that they include me in their lives. Adoption isn’t for everyone, I know that now, it is hard, it is trying, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s also, life changing, and rewarding and so much. Ryker has led me down this new path and I couldn’t be happier with where I am going.

Merry Christmas

A flash drive is the best Christmas present I ever got. Sounds silly in retrospect but it truly is. The thought it took to create this for me, the time I am beyond words. They went out of their way to contact the photography studio that took Rykers pictures in the hospital. We never order them and I thought they were gone forever but they were able to get them just for me.  By placing Ryker I lost a little but I also gained so much more. I know I have said this countless times but Rykers family is the family that I always longed for growing up. I am sad that the first family I picked fell through, I felt horrible that because of me they weren’t going to have a child, it broke my heart; however I think it was needed because if I didn’t do that then I wouldn’t of found Nick and Kris. From the very beginning we had a connection that is rare, there really wasn’t any awkwardness or corny small talk. Ill always remember the day I first talked to them, the day I first met them and the day our son was born because those are the days they made me feel like I was more than just a women having their child. I mean they have always made me feel like that but those are the days that will always stay in my heart. They both are amazing in their own ways, and I have bonded with each of them differently and I love our talks. To me at this point in the adoption, almost a year in, my feelings and love for them has grown into something I didn’t think was possible.

Kris is awesome, I love that he messages me at least once a week and we just talk, not just about Ryker but life, the joys and not so much joyessness of being stay at home parents. He is really smart and I love when we talk about a controversy or whatever we sound like the same person haha.

Nick is a goof just like me. Every time we skype I think we make more funny faces towards each other and joke around more than we are serious. He is caring and sweet and like the older brother I never had.

They both have changed my life for the better they are amazing in every way and I wish all adoption relationships are as amazing as our relationship. I have loved our first year together and I cant wait to see what the future has in store for us. Merry Christmas everyone i hope you all have a wonderful day.


The Stroke of Midnight

Our year is coming to an end. Soon 2015 will turn into 2016, normally that wouldn’t mean anything to me; however this year it means a lot to me. This year has been so full of emotions, battles and wars, within myself. I have pulled myself into a hole, I have walked the same tired circle over and over again. I have cried myself to sleep and wished for something different. In this time I have found myself. I have found who I want to be and where I want to be. In a years time I have confronted my demons and banned them away. In a years time I have grown mentally and have become stronger then I ever have. So when the clock strikes 12 on New Years Eve I wonder if I will be satisfied with how i lived my life?  Will I be happy with where I am at? Will i have any regrets? Will i wish for something better?

The stroke of midnight isn’t like in the fairy tales, your carriage wont turn into a pumpkin, your elegant horses wont turn into tiny mice, it’s the opposite. The stroke of midnight is when everything vanishes, it’s a clean slate. Its there for you to exhale the negative and inhale the positive. Its when you start your journey to accomplish your resolutions. The stroke of midnight isn’t the end to your fairy tale it’s the start. It’s the new chapter to this book we call life. The stroke of midnight is a promise of new beginnings and you’re supposed to make the best of it, so when you wake up the next morning its your new chance.

The stroke of midnight is when I will be in the arms of the man I love, he will embrace me and kiss me tenderly with the promise that our love will grow stronger and more compassionate every day. At the stroke of midnight I will look around my house see the miscellaneous toys scattered around the floor and remember all the times I have picked them up, and instead of finding the annoyance in it I will be grateful.  I will stand outside stare at the stars and think of Ryker. I will remember holding him in the hospital and letting him go and I will wish that this new year, his second year of life will bring him even more joy. I will go upstairs and secretly tuck my kids in give them a kiss on their forehead and truly suck in all the positive they have brought to my life. I will crawl into bed cozy up in the warmth of my husband and fall asleep with dreams and aspirations of the New Year.

The stroke of midnight will be my first chance to the new year to do what I want, to be the change that I want, and to have the time of my life. The stroke of midnight will be the start to this fairy tale. My fairy tale as a birth mother, a mother, a wife, a daughter and a sister. The stroke of midnight is my new start and yours.  Lets make the best of it, lets ring it in right.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.

Thank you to all who have helped me through this year, you all have helped me become the person that i am now, thank you.