“I am proud of you has never escaped your lips” not once can I remember that saying coming from your mouth. Ive spent most of my life thinking I am a “over emotional, drama queen, bitch” a “disappointment” “i cant get my life together” All i have ever wanted was to make you happy but sadly i feel like i never have. Many people think I was lazy didnt do anything but cause problems in the family, hardly anyone listens to me, not even my father up until recently. I was 22 the first time i heard him say he was proud of me, even thanked me for helping raise my brothers, but not my mom, she still thinks i didnt do anything. 3 years ago she tried to kill herself, and blamed me and my brother for not showing her enough love. It hurt to know me, her oldest daughter, who soothed her almost every night when my dad was away cause her head hurt, sat behind her in the bath rubbing her head to make her feel better. Me the 13 year old who would wake up and get myself ready before waking my brothers up to get the ready for school. Me the 9 year old who started babysitting earning my own money to buy the things I wanted. Me who got a part time job at 16, every day i was up at 5 am getting myself ready before my brothers, going to school all day then going straight to work until 10 at night then I had to do my homework. Me who in 7th grade my best friend thought my youngest brother was mine because I was always with him. Me who always always keeps the family together when times are hard. ME who cant even barley keep my own family together cause I am to busy trying to make my mom feel loved so she wont do what she did 3 years ago. She is part of the reason I placed Ryker I didnt want to be a disappointment to her again, I didnt want to hear he say yet again that I couldnt take care of another baby, when I already knew that. I went my entire pregnancy with my dad not talking to me and my mom telling e one thing and other people something else about my situation. Ive heard her tell me “you cant do several things at once, you must not be a very good mom” it hurts even if she is joking. I take a lot of pride that she was 16 when she had me gave everything up for me but she has no problem holding that over my head.
Ever since I placed Ryker I feel like she wished she would of followed through with placing me, and my middle brother the only child she ever wanted, that she ever planned was my youngest brother and hes made her the proudest. This mothers day my mom told me that she was still waiting to feel special like ive never made her feel that way, and when I told her it upset me she told me i shouldnt take things so seriously and now wont even talk to me. All I want is her to realize that Im trying, that i do love her and the only person that care what they think of me is her and so far all I think is she think is negative. I have fucked up i know, but i have never been heavy into drugs, never been arrested or in trouble with the law. I know i had kids young when I could hardly afford them know I have had relationship problems but I am doing good now and I wish she would see that. I know i have hurt her, and made her feel used but I have apologized over and over again. IM sorry i am so sorry.
Happy mothers day.