Today I am dedicating this post to my angel in heaven, Arlo.
I don’t get to talk about my son as much as I like to and so I am here to tell you about the greatest gift God has ever given me. My pregnancy with Arlo.
It was May 2014 and I was 21 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I was not with his father, I was drinking a lot and just wasn’t in good spot in my life. I considered getting a abortion and even called and had a appointment set up. When that day finally came, I didn’t go. I couldn’t stand the thought of just killing off the life growing inside me.
At 16 weeks I went to my first appointment and was confirmed about the little peanut growing inside me when I first heard that little heartbeat. To this day, that is still the best sound I have ever heard. A week later, I had my first ultrasound and found out my little peanut was in fact a boy. He wasn’t shy about showing us either. He had his legs wide open for all of us to see. From the start he was active, even though I couldn’t feel him move at that point, you could see it in the ultrasound. It took the doctor 45 minutes to get all his measurements because he moved so much. It didn’t take him long to get the nickname jumping bean from my mom. He was so perfect from the start. I couldn’t stop staring and smiling at those pictures for the longest time. I was so happy that day.
Arlo loved my left side, and that where he stayed most of the time. If laid down, the left side of my stomach was always bigger and every appointment my doctor would laugh and comment about it. As weeks went on I watch as him and I got bigger and bigger. By week 22 I finally felt his kicks, though they were small and not very common, I got so excited. Every time I would feel him I would have this huge smile on my face. My second happiest day. I didn’t really start showing until the end of the second trimester but I got so excited when I started to show and everyone start asking questions. I thought that pregnancy looked good on me.
Week 32 ,I knew that Arlo could hear pretty well outside the womb, I started having my mom and boyfriend at the time talk to him and I started playing music for him. It was so amazing to see him react to each different voice he knew. He knew when my mom was around or when Stefan would talk to him. He even had his favorite songs. If I were in the car and start playing a song and jam out, he would always wake up and start kicking. I loved how not even 15 minutes to me waking up in the morning, so would he. I loved how you could see him turning over in my stomach because the poor thing didn’t have much room. I loved having my mom, Stefan or Bria play with him. He got so excited, my stomach wouldn’t stop moving, he loved it. I would always mess with his feet because they were always in my ribs, he had a favorite spot he loved to kick, it hurt but I didn’t mind. Arlo was such a easy and wonderful pregnancy. I loved being pregnant with him. From the start I adored him. I could tell he was so much like me and it made me excited and kind of nervous at the same time. Arlo was born January 23rd at 11:48 pm. 6lbs, 13ozs and 19 inches of pure perfection. Head full of blonde hair and looking just like his momma. I was so in love. On January 24th at 12:37 am. My angel went to heaven and my heart was forever broken.
When I found out he didn’t make it, that my perfect angel was gone, I felt something inside me die as well. I will never forget those days. The day I gave birth and the day I lost the love of my life. The day God gained a new beautiful angel and the world lost a ray of light that they never knew. The day my whole life got turned upside down. Losing him has been the worst pain I have ever felt. Nothing will ever compared to that pain and loss. Since that day, I have felt empty. I am all out of love because I gave that little boy my whole heart and he still has it.
Arlo baby, you were and still are the greatest gift. You showed me what being in love was all about. You saved me from myself. You showed me how precious life is. I thank God every single day for having the opportunity to care for you, to nourish you and to love you. You are by far the biggest and greatest accomplishment. I wish you were here today and everyday. I cry for you, I pray for you. I hope you know I would have given my own life for you to be here. My heart bleeds and hurts for you. You didn’t get the chance like you should have. I wish I could hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish so many things for you my little man. I hate that you are gone. I love you so much Arlo Riley. I really really do. You still have my heart and I hope you can still hear it.
I can’t wait to see you again..