“Your son has to stay in nicu for a week, his breathing is really fast because he has a infection in his lungs” I cried, I mean really cried as I held my tiny little baby in my arms. Why? why was I crying? I didnt understand, but the tears poured out of me uncontrollably and I couldnt stop the flood of emotions that were escaping me. It was the first time I felt like this babys mother, it was the first time I let myself feel any sort of connection with him. “I’m so sorry” I kept whispering in his ear. In my head I was saying “this is my fault please know I’m sorry and I love you”. The third day was the first hard day for me. Yesterday was day 9 after I have given birth to my son. Yesterday was the second hardest day. Ryker was finally discharged from the hospital and I wanted nothing more then to be there and I couldn’t go so all day i had my phone in my hand waiting for a text, call or a picture of how he was doing on his first day out of the hospital, and I didn’t get anything but a text from a friend saying she met my beautiful son. All i could think after that was cool I didn’t get to see him I didn’t get anything. I know I wont get pictures every day or texts and I know waiting around my phone isn’t what I should be doing, but its harder then I thought i would be. I don’t know how to cope, I don’t want to “bug” my friends or family with my feelings, but I know I have to do something. I have two other kids who need me, who need my love my affection and I’m trying so hard to focus on that but every time one of them sits in my lap, or I hear them saying mama it feels like my heart is breaking, because there should be another baby with me. My lap should have 3 kids in it not just 2. I know as much as I long for that I know its not possible, I know I cant give 3 kids everything they need or deserve I can barley do it with 2. I know the decision I made is the best one but day 3 and 9 my heart felt incomplete.