Have you ever has those days where you just want to give up? Where everything just seems too dark and it feels like you’re just spinning in a downward spiral. Where you try your hardest to smile and tell yourself that you’re just over reacting and things aren’t as bad as they seem but you find yourself crying even harder. You can surround yourself with friends and family and happy things but you still just feel the uncontrollable sadness. Holding back the tears has become too hard and you sit there in your car, bed or shower and just cry. You listen to sad music or watch sad movies. You sit and wonder if you will ever feel anything else. You feel like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. You look in the mirror and cry because you yourself hates the person you are.
I know depression better than anyone. I was diagnosed with it at eight years old and have suffered with it ever since. I have been in and out of therapy for years and have been on all kinds of antidepressants. I have had good days and really really bad days. I have been in a mental hospital because of attempted suicide and hospitalized for many other things. If anyone knew me back when I was still in school they could tell you I was troubled. I was known as ” crazy Katie” I acted out all the time. I didn’t try in school because I didn’t care about my future. I have struggled to do everyday things all my life. Just getting out of bed was a struggle. I try and keep busy. I go to work, I do the things I’m supposed to. But no matter what I always find myself crying at least once or twice in a day. Things are just hard for me, they always have been and they probably always will be. There are days where all of a sudden I feel really tired. Like the world has drained me of everything that I had.
Losing Arlo, though it has been a living nightmare has taught me a very important life lesson. Life is short. Unexpected things are going to happen. You can plan your future down to the very last detail but life has a funny way of throwing it off. The important thing is to not let it tear you down to the point of giving up. Never quit. Take some time to recover from a blow. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to cry, scream and act pathetic but always remember to get up and try again. Waking up the next morning is never guaranteed. Yes, life suck most of the time but it’s meant to be that way. It builds strength for what’s to come. Even though I am not very happy with God, I’m grateful for these life lessons because it’s shaping me into the person he wants me to be. So smile through the tears, laugh at the confusion and say I love you to everyone you can because you never know when it will be the last time.
“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”