Today I had a moment of weakness. Usually at work I can hold back my feelings but today that wasn’t the case. It’s hard seeing cute little one with their moms, especially little boys. I can’t stand seeing all my friends on Facebook having there babies and them being smaller than my son and being completely healthy. It’s pisses me off. I saw a post today while on my break that one of my friends had a little boy weighing 6lbs, 13oz and 19 inches long. The same measurements as Arlo and I broke down, I tired to wipe away the tears as I walked back into work but they just kept coming. I hate having to explain why I’m crying to people because the last thing I want is someones pity. I hate people feeling bad for me.
I’m jealous of everyone who has there babies and a part of me kind of hates them. I want my son back. It’s sucks having such a huge part of me missing. There are still days where I wish I’d get hit by a car and die or pass away in any other way. As long as I’d get to see my little man on the other side. I just miss him so much that it sometimes makes me feel physically sick. I have a had a few people say “get over it” “you didn’t have him for that long so it could be worse” or ” you’ll have another one.” and a bunch of other stupid insensitive things like that. I will not get over it. I’m getting on with my life, just a different life, the life of a grieving mother. You’ll never understand until it happens to you.
I know soon not every baby is going to upset me and that I will be able to be happy for others having little ones again too. But for right now I’m going to be bitter and angry. I believe I have a right to be. I wan’t to thank everyone who has been by the side the last few months and have supported me through this hell I’m living in. I really do appreciate the love.
“Heaven and earth may separate us today, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mom.”