I haven’t written anything in the last few weeks because everyday for me is the same thing.
Get up, try and distract myself until I go to work, work for about 8 hours and pretend I’m not breaking inside, go home, distract myself a little more and then finally, cry myself to sleep. My daily routine for the last two months.
All I see anymore is gray, there is no more color in my world. I just don’t care if I live or die. Knowing that I wasn’t worthy enough to be a mother or even be actually loved by another person has really killed my optimism. I feel though everything from this point on won’t matter. They say “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” but what if you can’t move forward or refuse too? What if you’re so afraid that moving forward is just going to bring more heart ache. Now I know that life has many ups and downs and that this is probably just a small chapter of things to come, but I’m terrified of the future. When I was pregnant with Arlo I was so excited because I actually had something to look forward too. The holidays with him and getting to see him grow up made my heart glow. I was filled with so much joy all the time, even when things were tough. See, that’s the hardest part. It’s not just the fact that my son died, all the hopes and dreams I had for him died right along with him. The nights where I rubbed my belly and dreamed about him and his accomplishments as he grew, the days I spent calling adoption agency’s to ensure he would be taken care of and loved unconditionally, all those things were gone and to never return after he took his last breath. Arlo was everything to me, my whole heart and soul. Now that he’s gone, so is my heart or so I thought.
I am realizing that I will never be the same and my heart will ache for awhile and things will never go back to normal. I’m fighting to restart my life and shape my life into something new. I want to use this horrifying experience to help people. No one should have to suffer from this. This is by far the worst thing that can happen to a woman. It leaves you with so many questions that will never actually be answered. It’s infuriating, heartbreaking and leaves you feeling empty. No one should be alone after something like this. I have learned that the hard way. Surrounding yourself with loved ones and friends really does help. They might not understand what you’re going through but having someone to talk to or help distract you actually makes you feel a little better, a little more normal if you will. I hope that all my friends and family who have been by my side know that I am thankful for them. Truly from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful.
“So this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m trying to figure out how that can be.”