A few months ago I was told I was a bad mother because I was denying my son by placing him for adoption. Now looking back I do feel like a horrible mother. I never connected with Ryker during my pregnancy, I never wanted to talk to him or bond with him, I never even wanted to admit I was pregnant with him. I thought if I did that it would make my decision for placing him for adoption easier. I thought if I never emotionally let myself get attached during pregnancy then I wouldnt be attached after he was here. That wasnt the case. I fell in love with him as soon as I heard him cry. Now I feel like I missed out on so much bonding time with him. I had 9 months to build a relationship with him and selfishly decided not to, to make it easier on me. It took him getting sick for me to snap out of that unemotional me and break down and show him all the emotions I hid from him for 9 months. I wanted to visit him in the hospital every day he was there to bond with him but was told that it wasnt best ideas that I needed to detach myself from him even though that was the opposite of what i wanted to do. Since that day I have only seen Ryker for about 3 hours and out of those 3 hours we only had about 20 minutes alone time if that. How do you tell your son how sorry you are and how much he means to you in that amount of time?
If I could tell him one thing, I would tell him I did what I did out of love. Not out of bravery cause I’m far from brave, I live with fear every day. I didnt do it to inspire others even though thats the case now. I did it out of love. Because I love you I decided to break my heart so you could live a life you deserved, so you could have parents who love each other and were together not grow up in a broken home. I didnt give you up, I placed you in the arms of two loving men who wanted nothing more then to father a beautiful baby like yourself. I did what I did because I could never be the mother, parent that I know you deserve. I hope one day that you are able to understand that. I love you Ryker Patrick Skolness and no matter the distance I will always love you, you hold a special place in my heart and you always will.