“I thought my heart was breaking”

After I told my friends that I was pregnant, they all told me I was so strong and so brave for deciding to place my daughter for adoption. I’m a pretty humble person and I never knew what to say except that I was doing the best thing for my unborn child and my two boys. I was pretty focused and tried to stay unattached throughout my pregnancy since I knew I wouldn’t be raising this child.

On December 12th, 2014, beautiful baby Eva was born and she was absolutely perfect.  I spent some alone time with her and I told her how much I loved her, and that everything I was doing was out of love. The next day she went home with her mom and dad and I went home alone. I thought that was the hardest part. I had promised myself to limit contact with my adoptive family, as they needed time to bond and get into a family of three mode. On day 5, I was sitting on my bed and had a rush of feelings overcome me. I texted Eva’s mom and dad telling them how much I loved them and how as sure as I knew what I was doing was right, I was very sad and that I hoped and prayed for a relationship would grow. They texted me back and told me they appreciated my honesty and fears. At that very moment, that is not what I needed to hear. I literally fell apart, dropped to my knees crying, and for the first time in my life I thought my heart was breaking. All I wanted to do was jump in my car and bring my daughter home. It took everything I had to not to do that. I pulled myself together and texted my adoption agent and told her I was not ok. She had one of her other birth moms call me and calm me down. Michele told me everything I was feeling was totally normal and I wasn’t crazy. She validated every feeling I had as only another woman who had gone through this experience could. I will forever be grateful to her. I decided to call (instead of text) Eva’s mom and shared my feelings with her. We both cried and she reassured me how much they loved and my other two children and they would never cut me out of Eva’s life. I reread the birthmothers letter that was in their book, and I remembered all the reason why I chose them to parent my daughter. And in that moment, I let myself feel all the pain I had been hiding and finally was able to breath…

-Beth-

2 Comments

  1. stacy homandberg

    March 14, 2015 at 4:09 am

    Beautifully written!! I felt your sorrow, love, hope and the scary unknown of regrets.
    It takes a VERY strong woman to do what you’ve done. Whether u understand it now or not, 1 day it’ll ALL make perfect sense! This is all part of God’s plan. For you, Eva and her adopted family! All bc of YOUR humble heart….u made dreams come true! Dreams that u knew u couldn’t make come true for Eva and your family.
    Trust in the Lord that this was your calling. With that, will come, peace, happiness and contentment.
    When your heart gets heavy, give it to the man upstairs. And always remember how blessed u are!!!
    With love from miles away….

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