Category: Katie (page 1 of 4)

Month 5.

 

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I will always love that cute little face. My angel <3

It has been almost five months since my son Arlo has passed away. Each days seems to slowly get easier but the heartache is always still there. It’s hard see friends or family members expecting  babies or raising their beautiful kids, posting pictures and videos of their growing miracles.  It hurts more than you could ever imagine. My heart remains broken. To this day, I still don’t have any idea or answer to why he’s gone. I was supposed to have a meeting with the hospital to review on why he passed away but they cancelled that meeting and never called back to reschedule. So I still feel like this was my fault, I am the reason he’s gone, they just don’t want to tell me so. It’s torture.

I had recently had a pregnancy scare, well I wouldn’t call it a scare, I was kind of excited. A second chance to be the mom that I so wanted to be.  I was 19 days late and made a appointment to have a blood test taken. The morning of my appointment my period decided to show. In all honesty, I was really bummed. I know that it’s too soon  but ever since Arlo passed away, I feel so empty. I wasn’t trying to replace my child. That’s impossible. He’s irreplaceable.

In these last five months, I have come to realize the person I was before Arlo no longer exists. I’m a complete different person, with different views on life. I have learned a lot about life, love and death. We are never guaranteed to wake up the next day and that death is all around us. That the events in a day can always get worse. That being strong for yourself is harder than being strong for someone else.  That unexpected things are and will happen. You don’t control your destiny. You’re family is your biggest support system. As time goes on people are going to forgot about that day, think that you’re holding onto your past because you still dwell on it. I’m not stuck in my past, that day will defy and effect me for the rest of my life. I don’t have a choice. When I see babies, I think I was always tear up a little because my arms are empty. So please don’t think that one day I’m going to okay and that I’m moving on, everyday I still cry, everyday I still struggle to wake up and get out of bed. I struggle to not end my life. I don’t see what’s left here for me. I struggle to smile, laugh and be glad to be alive, I do it but it’s very hard.

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Mother’s day.

Mother’s day is the day all mommies look forward to. A special day to celebrate all the hard work and dedication they give to their babies on a daily basis. Flowers, cards and a day to relax and take a break. A truly wonderful day.

But for a mother who child was taken from them, it completely different.

Today is the first Mother’s day since my son has passed away and it is heartbreaking. I don’t really feel like a mom, I know that I am but since my son isn’t here, it makes me realize that I’m alone. I have no baby to hold and celebrate the good work I have done. I feel so empty. I see all these posts about how being a mom is the best job in the world and how they wouldn’t change a thing and here I am not knowing how that feels. I’m a mom but have no idea what being a mom feels like.  I want to know what that feeling feels like.. Today’s another reminder that my son isn’t here and he isn’t coming back. A reminder that every holiday I’m going to feel this way. I will remain empty and alone in a sense.

Today, be sure to say Happy Mother’s day to every mom out there. Including the mother who lost their babies due to miscarriage, infant loss and to any mother who has lost their child. Today is a very hard to any woman who has suffered a loss. Because all today for us is a reminder, a horrible and heart wrenching reminder.

Happy Mother’s day to every incredible mom out there. May your day be blessed and full of love.

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Arlo

Today I am dedicating this post to my angel in heaven, Arlo.

I don’t get to talk about my son as much as I like to and so I am here to tell you about the greatest gift God has ever given me. My pregnancy with Arlo.

It was May 2014 and I was 21 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I was not with his father, I was drinking a lot and just wasn’t in good spot in my life. I considered getting a abortion and even called and had a appointment set up. When that day finally came, I didn’t go. I couldn’t stand the thought of just killing off the life growing inside me.

At 16 weeks I went to my first appointment and was confirmed about the little peanut growing inside me when I first heard that little heartbeat. To this day, that is still the best sound I have ever heard. A week later, I had my first ultrasound and found out my little peanut was in fact a boy. He wasn’t shy about showing us either. He had his legs wide open for all of us to see. From the start he was active, even though I couldn’t feel him move at that point, you could see it in the ultrasound. It took the doctor 45 minutes to get all his measurements because he moved so much. It didn’t take him long to get the nickname jumping bean from my mom.  He was so perfect from the start. I couldn’t stop staring and smiling at those pictures for the longest time. I was so happy that day.

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Week 16

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Week 17! It’s a boy!

 

Arlo loved my left side, and that where he stayed most of the time. If laid down, the left side of my stomach was always bigger and every appointment my doctor would laugh and comment about it. As weeks went on I watch as him and I got bigger and bigger. By week 22 I finally felt his kicks, though they were small and not very common, I got so excited. Every time I would feel him I would have this huge smile on my face. My second happiest day. I didn’t really start showing until the end of the second trimester but I got so excited when I started to show and everyone start asking questions. I thought that pregnancy looked good on me.

 

21weeks

Week 21

 

Week 36

Week 36

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Week 32

Week 32 ,I knew that Arlo could hear pretty well outside the womb, I started having my mom and boyfriend at the time talk to him and I started playing music for him. It was so amazing to see him react to each different voice he knew. He knew when my mom was around or when Stefan would talk to him. He even had his favorite songs. If I were in the car and start playing a song and jam out, he would always wake up and start kicking. I loved how not even 15 minutes to me waking up in the morning, so would he. I loved how you could see him turning over in my stomach because the poor thing didn’t have much room. I loved having my mom, Stefan or Bria play with him. He got so excited, my stomach wouldn’t stop moving, he loved it. I would always mess with his feet because they were always in my ribs, he had a favorite spot he loved to kick, it hurt but I didn’t mind. Arlo was such a easy and wonderful pregnancy. I loved being pregnant with him. From the start I adored him. I could tell he was so much like me and it made me excited and kind of nervous at the same time. Arlo was born January 23rd at 11:48 pm. 6lbs, 13ozs and 19 inches of pure perfection. Head full of blonde hair and looking just like his momma. I was so in love. On January 24th at 12:37 am. My angel went to heaven and my heart was forever broken.

When I found out he didn’t make it, that my perfect angel was gone, I felt something inside me die as well. I will never forget those days. The day I gave birth and the day I lost the love of my life. The day God gained a new beautiful angel and the world lost a ray of light that they never knew. The day my whole life got turned upside down. Losing him has been the worst pain I have ever felt. Nothing will ever compared to that pain and loss. Since that day, I have felt empty. I am all out of love because I gave that little boy my whole heart and he still has it.

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Arlo baby, you were and still are the greatest gift. You showed me what being in love was all about. You saved me from myself. You showed me how precious life is. I thank God every single day for having the opportunity to care for you, to nourish you and to love you. You are by far the biggest and greatest accomplishment. I wish you were here today and everyday. I cry for you, I pray for you. I hope you know I would have given my own life for you to be here.  My heart bleeds and hurts for you. You didn’t get the chance like you should have. I wish I could hold you again, kiss you again. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish so many things for you my little man. I hate that you are gone. I love you so much Arlo Riley. I really really do. You still have my heart and I hope you can still hear it.

 

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Arlo Riley Harper.

 

I can’t wait to see you again..

Selfless acts.

I have recently had a few people tell me that my son had passed away because I was placing him for adoption. He wasn’t meant to be with another family, only me and for that I was being punished.  Let’s get one thing straight.. That is one of the most untrue, most ignorant things I have ever heard. God is not punishing me. Arlo was not meant for this world. He had already served his purpose.

Adoption is the most beautiful, selfless act. Woman are willing to break their own hearts to give their child the absolute best in life. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Adoption is giving a couple who cannot have children of they own the gift of life. Adoption is not a breaking of trust but the keeping of faith. Not the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake. When someone first asked me about placing my son, I thought hell no. I couldn’t ever fathom someone else taking care of MY son. I was wrong though. Adoption is beautiful, thoughtful and the most amazing thing to me now. Arlo parents were the most kinder souls I have ever met. The agency I went through were filled with the most amazing woman on this planet. Choosing to place my son has nothing to do with him dying and for someone to ever say that shows nothing but ignorance. If I had the chance to change anything about my decision, I wouldn’t. I loved what I was doing and chose for my son.  He would have been so loved by so many people. He would have been happy and well taken care of. He would have known I loved him so much, that I chose to break my own heart for his well being.

If you ever meet a birth mother,or soon to be birth mother. Never say to us that what they are doing is wrong, or that they are taking the easy way out. Never say that they will regret their decision or that we are not taking responsibility for our mistakes. We don’t want to hear any of that nonsense because none of that is true.  Our child was never a mistake, just a happy accident. We will never regret giving some one the gift of life and completing a family. We are definitely not taking the easy way out, adoption is in no way easy.  It isn’t an easy decision at all, far from it but as a parent you have to think about what is best for your child. Placing your baby doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids or want them. It means we want what’s best for them and that’s true love. We don’t sit around as little girls dreaming of the day we will become birth moms. Typically, a turn of events in our lives leads us down the road to making that decision.

Even though my son has passed away. I know for a fact it wasn’t because I chose to place him. God would never punish someone for making such a wonderful selfless act. So please, keep your ignorant opinions like that to yourself.

“My bleeding heart has healed, but that scar is a reminder of the beautiful child that I gladly broke my own heart for.”

Grateful

Have you ever has those days where you just want to give up? Where everything just seems too dark and it feels like you’re just spinning in a downward spiral. Where you try your hardest to smile and tell yourself that you’re just over reacting and things aren’t as bad as they seem but you find yourself crying even harder. You can surround yourself with friends and family and happy things but you still just feel the uncontrollable sadness.  Holding back the tears has become too hard and you sit there in your car, bed or shower and just cry.  You listen to sad music or watch sad movies. You sit and wonder if you will ever feel anything else. You feel like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. You look in the mirror and cry because you yourself hates the person you are.

I have.

I know depression better than anyone. I was diagnosed with it at eight years old and have suffered with it ever since. I have been in and out of therapy for years and have been on all kinds of antidepressants.  I have had good days and really really bad days. I have been in a mental hospital because of attempted suicide and hospitalized for many other things. If anyone knew me back when I was still in school they could tell you I was troubled. I was known as ” crazy Katie” I acted out all the time. I didn’t try in school because I didn’t care about my future. I have struggled to do everyday things all my life. Just getting out of bed was a struggle. I try and keep busy. I go to work, I do the things I’m supposed to. But no matter what I always find myself crying at least once or twice in a day. Things are just hard for me, they always have been and they probably always will be. There are days where all of a sudden I feel really tired. Like the world has drained me of everything that I had.

Losing Arlo, though it has been a living nightmare has taught me a very important life lesson. Life is short. Unexpected things are going to happen. You can plan your future down to the very last detail but life has a funny way of throwing it off. The important thing is to not let it tear you down to the point of giving up. Never quit. Take some time to recover from a blow. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to cry, scream and act pathetic but always remember to get up and try again. Waking up the next morning is never guaranteed. Yes, life suck most of the time but it’s meant to be that way. It builds strength for what’s to come. Even though I am not very happy with God, I’m grateful for these life lessons because it’s shaping me into the person he wants me to be. So smile through the tears, laugh at the confusion and say I love you to everyone you can because you never know when it will be the last time.

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

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