Seeing pictures of Ryker on Facebook is awesome it fills my heart with joy that I can see him grow up and not always have to wonder about him. Sometimes it gets hard when I see that other people get to hold him and squeeze him and love on him. But when I start feeling like that I just go hug and squeeze on my other two kids. Some days just seeing a picture of him or any other baby for that matter makes me want another but I know I cant right now. Today I saw 2 very cute pictures of Ryker and it made my day plus my other two kids are in great moods and listening so my day was going good. Then it went to crap. I really dont like when people think they need to nose into my business and feel like they need to put their opinions into my life especially when it comes to my parenting. I know i am not the best of moms and there are areas I can approve on but when you go out of your way to call people and give them my number cause you think I could use the help it hurts. I already question myself every day if I am a good mother if what I am doing or what I have done is good, then bam! someone puts those thoughts into reality.
I know i did the right thing by placing Ryker for adoption, now I question if I am doing the right thing for Noah and Nathaniel. Apparently I give off the impression that I need parenting help. As if doing everything in my power isnt enough. I often think that I should of placed my other two kids for adoption then they would have a better mom then me, she would parent them better and be able to do everything better then me. That is the thought I think a lot of women who have placed their child for adoption feels at one point, because they see everything their baby they placed for adoption has and gets to do and it doesnt equate to anything you are able to do or give the children you have. At least thats how I have felt on a few occasions. These thoughts are normal these feelings are normal they just suck. Thankfully I have birth mom friends who are able to help me through these feelings and a awesome counselor that also helps and reminds me that i am a good mom and that my kids love me and are happy i am their mom. Its them that help me get through the bad days and I will always be thankful for them all of them more then words can express. Just got to keep pushing forward and forget the bad days and cherish the good ones.