As usual I thought of you. Every newborn I see links back to you. I dream of you, I sometimes smell you and every once in awhile I feel this heavy sensation on my chest as if I were holding you there again. It wasnt supposed to be like this my little angel. You should be here with Seve and Christiane. Growing, laughing and letting them love you unconditionally, like I always knew they would.
I got a job hoping it would help distract me for a good eight hours. Unfortunately, I have mothers coming in with their newborns all the time. It’s so hard holding back those tears. No one at work knows about the loss of my child and I’m trying to keep it that way. Still, with that being said, its exhausting always pretending everything’s alright and that I’m this happy go lucky girl I claim to be. A lot of you think I’m happy or doing better, but that’s not the truth. I’m still devastated. I struggle every day just to smile. The days are long and the nights are even longer as I sit there wondering why this happened to me and what I did to cause this. I know everyone tells me that I did nothing wrong and some days I believe it but I’m sure anyone who has suffered child loss thinks that it’s their fault in some way or another. I think it’s a natural response to blame yourself because you were the one who carried that child.
Even though I planned a adoption for my son, I still had things I was going to give him. I have a bunch of old books my mom used to read to me when I was younger that I was going to give to his parents. I was planning to read them to him once he was a little older, I also have a bunch of stuffed animals I was going to to give him that I no longer have a use for. I also have this little old rocking chair my grandpa made for my mom that ended up getting passed down to me that I was going to give him. All these things are now just a small reminder that my little man is gone..
I hurt for the parents too. They also lost a child, the one that they always dreamed about. They had his room all ready and baby proofed the house. At the hospital the day I was in labor, they had these big beautiful smiles on their faces. They were so excited to welcome my son with open arms. They were always so open with me about everything. Their plans for Arlo in the future and how not matter what, my family and I would always be included in his life. I don’t really have the words to explain how much I love them. They were just so incredible and would have made amazing parents. Their hears were just so big and poured out so much love and compassion. I wanted so badly to give them a child, my child. To Christiane, you would have made one hell of a mother to my son. I know he would have been wrapped around your finger and would have loved you more than anything You never cease to amaze me. You have such a beautiful heart and such a kind and radiant soul. You inspire me. Christiane, this is the hard part… When you and Steve are ready, please for the love of God, try again. Find another wonderful woman to give you a child. You two have done such great things together and now it’s time to do the most amazing thing on this earth there is to do, be a mommy and daddy. I know you two are hurting and I know you guys might give up but please don’t. I want you guys to be happy and raise a child. I want to help you in anyway I can. I love you two, you’re my family and you always will be. So please, when you’re ready, don’t hesitate to try again.
Arlo baby, just know, I will do everything in my power to make things right. I will fight for your justice. I will make you proud. You give me hope little one. Even though you’re gone, I feel you all around me. In a way, you are still here.
One day at a time, little baby steps, I know things will get easier. Knowing that my little man is safe and sound in heaven give me a little bit of peace. Knowing that he will never know pain or sorrow and that he will always be innocent. Some days are harder then others and I know it will be like that for awhile and even though I hate crying, for Arlo, it’s okay, I dont mind it. He’s buried in the cemetery next to my house and I visit as much as possible, bringing him flowers and little bears, telling him about my day and what I thought about when I would think of him. I keep this journal where I write just to him and I imagine my grandpa reading every word to him. I miss him, there won’t be a day I don’t. If i could have one wish, it would be to have one more day with him, just to have him alive to hear me tell him I love him and him feel me embrace him. Even though I know, that one day wouldn’t be enough.