I recently, well today watched a video of a lady named Ashley Mitchell, and she writes for a blog called Big Tough Girls. Any ways the video was of her holding up cards that each had a fact about her. “…The person I am most mad at is myself, we are never done healing and I am not proud to be called a birthmother, I know what I did to earn that title.” Those are forever true. I can sit here and say that I am mad at the birthfather for putting me in this position. Hell I could go as far as to say that I am pissed off that my old roommate put me in this position, but I can’t say that, I made my choices. I don’t regret my decision to place Ryker for adoption, but I am mad at myself for ever having to come to that decision. I am mad that I exceeded everyone’s preconceptions that I would give up, like I always have. I am mad that, the one thing that I am supposed to do as a women I couldn’t. I know I am fine, I know I will always be fine, but Ashley is right I don’t know if I’ll ever be done healing. There are still those times that I will just break down and start crying for him, there are still times where I feel numb and it’s been almost a year. There are more days where I feel at ease and happy and at peace those are the days I try to focus on. I am a mother, that’s the title I am proud to hold. I feel like being called a birth mother or being identified as a birthmother is degrading in a sense, it’s like receiving a participation award in my opinion, I participated in the pregnancy and I picked your parents out, but as far as being a mother to him, I never was, and never will be.
I love Ryker so very much and I know that he knows that. I know because he gets the biggest smile on his face when he sees me. The last time I talked to him as soon as he saw me started waving and im pretty sure he said hi, with the biggest smile on his face. I know he will always be a part of my life, which is more than I thought was possible. Nick and Kris are amazing parents and I am very fortunate that they are Rykers parents, and that they include me in their lives. Adoption isn’t for everyone, I know that now, it is hard, it is trying, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s also, life changing, and rewarding and so much. Ryker has led me down this new path and I couldn’t be happier with where I am going.