My dreams have been more like nightmares. They have all been about the same two things, death or abandonment. Between someone close to me dying, reliving the night my son died or my boyfriend cheating on me. These dreams are always vivid and I can everything that happens. Every dream is different but all have the same things in common.  I know these dreams are normal for what I have gone though. I always wake up either terrified, really depressed or angry.  I’ve tried dealing with my emotions, using this blog to write or spending time listening to sad music to get myself to cry. I always catch myself looking at my phone just to see the picture of my son.

I crave to just hold him again, of course because when I held my son for the first time he had already passed. A few weeks ago I went to visit my best friend who just had a beautiful baby boy and during the drive to the hospital I was a nervous wreck , but once I got there and they placed him in my arms and he started crying, this mothering instinct kicked in and I just started talking to him and rocking him. I loved that feeling. I want that feeling back, I haven’t felt complete since that day. I didn’t get that with Arlo. Since that day all I want to do is have another baby. To fill the emptiness I feel, to make myself whole again.  The worst part is that I know I can’t. I would be almost in the same potion I was in with Arlo and I just couldn’t do that over again. I want and have to do it right the next time. At least be a little more stable with living and relationships. Then one day, when God thinks I’m ready, I know he will bless me with another child.

My beautiful Arlo will always be in my heart, he was my first son and true love of my life. My whole world was right under my heart for 9 months. Everyday I am grateful for him and the small time I got with him. Everyday I pray for him and pray he had more time here. He would have been so happy.

I’m sorry this post is a little messy and doesn’t make much since but neither do my thoughts.