arlo1

I will always love that cute little face. My angel <3

It has been almost five months since my son Arlo has passed away. Each days seems to slowly get easier but the heartache is always still there. It’s hard see friends or family members expecting  babies or raising their beautiful kids, posting pictures and videos of their growing miracles.  It hurts more than you could ever imagine. My heart remains broken. To this day, I still don’t have any idea or answer to why he’s gone. I was supposed to have a meeting with the hospital to review on why he passed away but they cancelled that meeting and never called back to reschedule. So I still feel like this was my fault, I am the reason he’s gone, they just don’t want to tell me so. It’s torture.

I had recently had a pregnancy scare, well I wouldn’t call it a scare, I was kind of excited. A second chance to be the mom that I so wanted to be.  I was 19 days late and made a appointment to have a blood test taken. The morning of my appointment my period decided to show. In all honesty, I was really bummed. I know that it’s too soon  but ever since Arlo passed away, I feel so empty. I wasn’t trying to replace my child. That’s impossible. He’s irreplaceable.

In these last five months, I have come to realize the person I was before Arlo no longer exists. I’m a complete different person, with different views on life. I have learned a lot about life, love and death. We are never guaranteed to wake up the next day and that death is all around us. That the events in a day can always get worse. That being strong for yourself is harder than being strong for someone else.  That unexpected things are and will happen. You don’t control your destiny. You’re family is your biggest support system. As time goes on people are going to forgot about that day, think that you’re holding onto your past because you still dwell on it. I’m not stuck in my past, that day will defy and effect me for the rest of my life. I don’t have a choice. When I see babies, I think I was always tear up a little because my arms are empty. So please don’t think that one day I’m going to okay and that I’m moving on, everyday I still cry, everyday I still struggle to wake up and get out of bed. I struggle to not end my life. I don’t see what’s left here for me. I struggle to smile, laugh and be glad to be alive, I do it but it’s very hard.

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”