I have been trying to keep myself busy and so far its going as planned, so much so that when i get a quiet time to myself my thoughts, my mind seem to torture me, hell even when im not alone and its a quiet time my mind seems to get the best of me. like last night when i was trying to get Nathaniel to go to bed, out of nowhere he laid on my chest and i started crying because its like he knew exactly what i wanted, what i needed, I dont have a new born baby to fall asleep on my chest and that was my most favorite part of being a mom to a new born, them falling asleep on me while there tiny breaths tickled my neck and drool puddled on my chest. That quiet moment got to me. Being a mother is by far the most emotional thing any women can do, weather your child is with you, or you placed them for adoption or you lost them. Your heart becomes something totally different something that seems hard to explain. Every day i find myself just staring at Noah and Nathaniel as they play and i just break down in tears because how much they have grown and how much they have accomplished in their short little lives. I cry cause i feel like i miss out on so much even though i am with them 24/7 i feel like i just blink and here they are 4 and almost 2. Im like with the two kids i have right in front of me so my emotions are even stronger now that I see my youngest grow up through pictures. I dont even get a chance to blink because he isnt here. Days go by weeks and months before i get to see him, before i get to hold him. And i think im fine i think i have peace with it all until im alone. Its when im alone that i want him, maybe its because i have never truly been alone i have overly attached myself to my children in the last 4 years. I have had one or both of them sleep in my room, i have had one or both of them cuddle me, fall asleep next to me and now that they have there own room i dont have that, and i feel like thats what i am longing for. Noah is less dependent on me, nate is getting to that point and I miss my babies i miss there cooing and cawing i miss the night time feedings and the early morning bright eyed cuddles. I was always meant to be a mom everyone says they have a calling in life and mine was being a mother. And i have done a ok job with 2 of them i just wish i could of done the same with Ryker. I hope they all know i love them and my heart is overfilled with love for all of them so much so i find it hard to love myself. They are my world and without them i would be nothing i would probably equate to nothing.
Noah is the most energetic little boy he is so full of energy all the time, sometimes it can be overwhelming and i wish that he would just sit down for a minute. But his heart is so full of love and compassion it amazes me. He is so smart and remembers everything which is a good thing and bad on occasion. He is going to be my adventurer the kid that wants to travel and help the world, rescue any animal or baby he can cause thats just who he is. His laugh is contagious so is his smile and his sky blue eyes will pierce your soul.
Nathaniel is my clown he is always looking for a way to make you smile and majority of the time it will happen even if you dont want to. He is my lover he knows just when to give you a hug or kiss. He is my social butterfly he gets along and makes friends with anyone. He already knows how to bat his eyelashes to try and get what he wants. He is very inquisitive always wondering how things work and what things are.
Ryker you are only 3 weeks old but you are already a fighter, and so peaceful. I cant wait to learn more about you.
I pray that all my kids know how much i love them and how much i enjoy watching them grow up even though i dont want them to. If i could have all of them be babies who fall asleep on me as their breath tickles my neck and drool puddles on my chest i would be content, but then i would miss out on the goofy conversations of a 4 year old, and the endless “whats that” questions from a 2 year old.
“I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”