Lets face the facts, we are a culture that is ran on social media. Social media is the place where we share pictures and update family and friends we dont see often. Social media has replaced the ways we meet people, the way we talk and the way we approach every day situations. Social media has become the vessel that keeps everyone in the know. However social media has also become the platform to drag one another down. Its amazing to see how much negative emotions are spread around the world wide web. Its amazing how, Im sorry to say it, but how dumb social media has formed people into. People spread pictures or memes of current events that are twisted into ways that arent fully the truth but many people believe they are. Social media has made us so we dont learn about the facts just accept them as they are forwarded. Social media is the place everyone turns to when someone gets shot or are fighting, videos are posted and the hate just spreads and spreads. I find it really interesting that more hate is spread then positive. So I have made it my goal to only post positive things. My life in the eyes of social media may seem like its amazing but, its just like everyone else. There are days I feel defeated and that everyone and everything is against me but who am I to spread that negative and bring everyone into that negative space I am in? Ive come to the conclusion that life is endless suffering because we cant just accept things the way they are and make it our mission to get more. All you have is now this moment in time and even this moment is already in the past why dwell on it why spread that one negative moment that is now lost forever time, it is gone there is no taking it back so stop thinking about it and stop spreading it.
I use my facebook to boast about my children and to spread the positive. Its amazing how reading positive can affect people you dont really talk to. In the last week I have been privetly messaged by two different people that I haven’t talked to since high school, telling me that they love how positive I am and how I look at life and that I am a inspiration and their reason that they have a slightly better day. Social media has the power to change people for the better we just have to be the better that the world needs.
I recently, well today watched a video of a lady named Ashley Mitchell, and she writes for a blog called Big Tough Girls. Any ways the video was of her holding up cards that each had a fact about her. “…The person I am most mad at is myself, we are never done healing and I am not proud to be called a birthmother, I know what I did to earn that title.” Those are forever true. I can sit here and say that I am mad at the birthfather for putting me in this position. Hell I could go as far as to say that I am pissed off that my old roommate put me in this position, but I can’t say that, I made my choices. I don’t regret my decision to place Ryker for adoption, but I am mad at myself for ever having to come to that decision. I am mad that I exceeded everyone’s preconceptions that I would give up, like I always have. I am mad that, the one thing that I am supposed to do as a women I couldn’t. I know I am fine, I know I will always be fine, but Ashley is right I don’t know if I’ll ever be done healing. There are still those times that I will just break down and start crying for him, there are still times where I feel numb and it’s been almost a year. There are more days where I feel at ease and happy and at peace those are the days I try to focus on. I am a mother, that’s the title I am proud to hold. I feel like being called a birth mother or being identified as a birthmother is degrading in a sense, it’s like receiving a participation award in my opinion, I participated in the pregnancy and I picked your parents out, but as far as being a mother to him, I never was, and never will be.
I love Ryker so very much and I know that he knows that. I know because he gets the biggest smile on his face when he sees me. The last time I talked to him as soon as he saw me started waving and im pretty sure he said hi, with the biggest smile on his face. I know he will always be a part of my life, which is more than I thought was possible. Nick and Kris are amazing parents and I am very fortunate that they are Rykers parents, and that they include me in their lives. Adoption isn’t for everyone, I know that now, it is hard, it is trying, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s also, life changing, and rewarding and so much. Ryker has led me down this new path and I couldn’t be happier with where I am going.
A flash drive is the best Christmas present I ever got. Sounds silly in retrospect but it truly is. The thought it took to create this for me, the time I am beyond words. They went out of their way to contact the photography studio that took Rykers pictures in the hospital. We never order them and I thought they were gone forever but they were able to get them just for me. By placing Ryker I lost a little but I also gained so much more. I know I have said this countless times but Rykers family is the family that I always longed for growing up. I am sad that the first family I picked fell through, I felt horrible that because of me they weren’t going to have a child, it broke my heart; however I think it was needed because if I didn’t do that then I wouldn’t of found Nick and Kris. From the very beginning we had a connection that is rare, there really wasn’t any awkwardness or corny small talk. Ill always remember the day I first talked to them, the day I first met them and the day our son was born because those are the days they made me feel like I was more than just a women having their child. I mean they have always made me feel like that but those are the days that will always stay in my heart. They both are amazing in their own ways, and I have bonded with each of them differently and I love our talks. To me at this point in the adoption, almost a year in, my feelings and love for them has grown into something I didn’t think was possible.
Kris is awesome, I love that he messages me at least once a week and we just talk, not just about Ryker but life, the joys and not so much joyessness of being stay at home parents. He is really smart and I love when we talk about a controversy or whatever we sound like the same person haha.
Nick is a goof just like me. Every time we skype I think we make more funny faces towards each other and joke around more than we are serious. He is caring and sweet and like the older brother I never had.
They both have changed my life for the better they are amazing in every way and I wish all adoption relationships are as amazing as our relationship. I have loved our first year together and I cant wait to see what the future has in store for us. Merry Christmas everyone i hope you all have a wonderful day.
Our year is coming to an end. Soon 2015 will turn into 2016, normally that wouldn’t mean anything to me; however this year it means a lot to me. This year has been so full of emotions, battles and wars, within myself. I have pulled myself into a hole, I have walked the same tired circle over and over again. I have cried myself to sleep and wished for something different. In this time I have found myself. I have found who I want to be and where I want to be. In a years time I have confronted my demons and banned them away. In a years time I have grown mentally and have become stronger then I ever have. So when the clock strikes 12 on New Years Eve I wonder if I will be satisfied with how i lived my life? Will I be happy with where I am at? Will i have any regrets? Will i wish for something better?
The stroke of midnight isn’t like in the fairy tales, your carriage wont turn into a pumpkin, your elegant horses wont turn into tiny mice, it’s the opposite. The stroke of midnight is when everything vanishes, it’s a clean slate. Its there for you to exhale the negative and inhale the positive. Its when you start your journey to accomplish your resolutions. The stroke of midnight isn’t the end to your fairy tale it’s the start. It’s the new chapter to this book we call life. The stroke of midnight is a promise of new beginnings and you’re supposed to make the best of it, so when you wake up the next morning its your new chance.
The stroke of midnight is when I will be in the arms of the man I love, he will embrace me and kiss me tenderly with the promise that our love will grow stronger and more compassionate every day. At the stroke of midnight I will look around my house see the miscellaneous toys scattered around the floor and remember all the times I have picked them up, and instead of finding the annoyance in it I will be grateful. I will stand outside stare at the stars and think of Ryker. I will remember holding him in the hospital and letting him go and I will wish that this new year, his second year of life will bring him even more joy. I will go upstairs and secretly tuck my kids in give them a kiss on their forehead and truly suck in all the positive they have brought to my life. I will crawl into bed cozy up in the warmth of my husband and fall asleep with dreams and aspirations of the New Year.
The stroke of midnight will be my first chance to the new year to do what I want, to be the change that I want, and to have the time of my life. The stroke of midnight will be the start to this fairy tale. My fairy tale as a birth mother, a mother, a wife, a daughter and a sister. The stroke of midnight is my new start and yours. Lets make the best of it, lets ring it in right.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.
Thank you to all who have helped me through this year, you all have helped me become the person that i am now, thank you.
Constantly my heart beats faster than it should be. It’s like it’s trying to make up for the skipped beats it missed when I had my heart murmur. My lungs are so full all the time, I try getting some of the air out but it’s like the air is stuck and has no way of escaping. It’s like my entire body is trying to escape from this shell, but it’s trapped. I am fighting with myself daily, if you could peak into my head you would see a constant battle, numerous “lives” lost and yet no one ever wins. Warm tears trickle down my cheek almost daily because I’m broken and have no way of fixing myself. I try every day, I try to trudge forward to be positive to escape this reality that I seem to put myself in. I’ve walked this circle over and over again, but I can’t find the break in the tree’s to lead me down a different path. I drag a piece of my heart behind me where it might forever stay, I even sewed an R into it reminding me why it’s there. My ears ring with the constant reminders of my past my future and even my present. I hold a decent composer I hide what’s inside, I have other lives to care for so I push them deep inside. My kids are the light that shines down on me they are the glow everyone sees. They’re the light that I follow and the reason that I try.