When my two oldest were born, I held onto to them the entire time I was at the hospital, they laid in my bed or on my chest, I stared at them intensely and awwed at the life I had help create. I remember when they took Noah (my oldest) to get circumcised I started freaking out and crying cause they took longer then they said they would so I thought nothing but the worse. When his billy ribbon test came back and they said he had slight jaundice and that he had to stay under the UV lights i sat on my bed and just held his hand and wished I could hold him I counted down the minutes I could pick him up and feed him because I wanted nothing more then to hold him, but he had to stay in that bassinet with the UV lights for 24 hours and I could only hold him to feed him, it felt like torture. With Nathaniel I sat on the couch by the window and basked in the sun with him and just held him while we both soaked up the sun together. To this day I cherish those 3 days in the hospital. It was those three days that I fell deeply in love with my kids. I studied them, their fingers, and toes, the wrinkles in their forehead. The way the stretched and yawned, I learned what their certain cries meant and what they wanted in a short time.

When I was pregnant with Ryker I had a plan that my mom would be in the hospital room with me and after he was born I would spend alone time with him and tell him exactly how  felt and why I was doing what I was doing. I planned to read him a story and study him and love him just like I did with his two older brothers.  When the time came, it came really fast I know I had 5 months to mentally prepare but when it came time he came so fast everything I planned, I just pushed away. It was Kris who asked if I wanted to hold my son (Kris was the first one to refer to him as my son the first night we met and always has made it a point to make me feel like his mother) I wanted to, dont get me wrong but I think i feared it, I didnt want to hold him too long in fear that I would grow attached. In my mind I felt that if I didnt do the things I did with my other two children then it wouldnt be hard to “give him away”. That first night Kris again asked if I wanted to have my son that night and I told him no it was ok they could have that night together and get used to being a family of 3. They had there own room and I was in my room alone. I remember staring at the couch in the corner reminiscing the year prior holding Nathaniel and basking in the sun. I tossed and turned that entire night, the first time i ever really felt that uncomfortable in a hospital bed, maybe because I didnt have my child to cuddle with or a baby in the room, no on in the room for that matter, and the nurses only checked on me once so it was dark and lonely.  The next day we all had breakfast together and shortly after I was discharged.

I regret my decision in the hospital, now I wish I would of held Ryker a little longer, studied him a little better, let him sleep on my chest that night and read him a story. I regret that I didnt build that connection with him, and I regret that I  dont have the time now and may never have it. I often find myself crying looking at the first pictures of me and Ryker and his dads, I look angry and I fear that when he sees them when he is older that he will think that i didnt want to hold him and holding him made me mad. It didnt make me mad it made me scared.  The entire time I was in the hospital I was scared, I was scared to look at him even and when i did it brought tears to my eyes and i had to  secretly wipe them away  before anyone noticed. I wanted everyone to think that I was fine and i wasnt upset at all, it was the lie i told to make me feel better.  I was discharged from the hospital the day after he was born and that was another part of my plan that fell through I wanted to leave the hospital with him watch as his dads placed his carseat in the car and I would kiss him and watch them drive off, he didnt get discharged until a week later and I wanted to be there but then talked myself out of it again, saying I wouldnt of been able to make it out there that early. I regret that I didnt do that because I only got to hold him one time after that and now I wont get to hold him for another few months.

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The only two pictures of Ryker and I at the hospital.


1 Comment

  1. oh Kedra, my love, my heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine what you’re going through. Know I’m here, if you ever want to talk. Love you

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