Yesterday was the day my son traveled home to Seattle with his dad’s. I know distance is going to be hard as they wont be in driving distance of me, so our only form of seeing each other is through Skype and pictures. Two months seems so far away from today and I’m trying not to count the days down. Luckily Nick and Kris make it feel as though we are connected and that I’m right there with them. The hard part is explaining to Noah that we wont be able to see his baby brother for a few months. Every baby picture he sees weather it’s Ryker or not he asks to see his brother and when i try to explain to him that we wont be able to see him for a few months disappointment lingers in his eyes. I dont know how much connection a 4 year old can have with a baby he has only seen a handful of times but he does. He has been looking forward to being a big brother again since he discovered there was a baby growing inside of me. Towards the end of my pregnancy, every morning when we woke up Noah would lift up my shirt and check my tummy to make sure the baby was still there. I’ll never forget when he came to the hospital, I didnt expect him to be as interested in Ryker as he was, he wanted to hold him and feed him and just stare at him. Every time Ryker would cry Noah was right there to hold his hand and tell him it was ok. For a 4 year old who is always running around and cant seem to keep his attention on anything for longer then a split second, the first time he held his youngest brother it was for a long time, longer then i expected. It brings tears to my eyes now when I think back to that day in the hospital, I sat in my bed as I watched Noah intertwine his fingers in his brothers hand, and stroke his cheek and him him a little peck on his forehead. He is so caring and has lost almost everyone important in his life in the last year. I have to keep promising him that he will see Ryker, Kris and Nick again but apart of me feels like he thinks I’m lying and I dont know what else to do to reassure him. He asked me if I could have another baby and when I told him no not right now he asked me why not with that sad little face he makes. My heart is breaking not only for what i am going through but also for what I feel like I am putting my other kids through. I know it will take a lot of explaining and time but I’m running out of things to say to him to make him understand

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-Kedra-