Grief is not a straight line that disappears into the horizon. It’s a curvy line that goes up and down. thins out for awhile and then widens when you’re unsuspecting.
Someone told me recently that the world wasn’t going to stop spinning because of my loss. That being mad at it wasn’t going to change anything. I could yell and blame anyone and everyone I wanted but nothing was going to change the fact that my son is gone. When I was told this, I got even more angry because I only have myself or the rest of the world to blame. When you lose a loved one, it’s hard not to get angry with the world or God. It shakes your faith with just about everything. You think of how the world could take away a life that wasn’t ready. You yell, you cry and you hate for awhile. You don’t know how to move on with your loved one gone. Trust me, I wish I could just let go of what I can’t change, but a apart of me feels that letting go means forgetting about my son. That if I move on, I’m letting go of the memory of the amazing gift I was blessed with. I think the hardest part of losing someone isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, that emptiness that was left inside your heart when they go. I really don’t want to let go. It scares the living shit of out me. Having my son gone already hurt so much and I’m still having a hard time accepting that he isn’t coming back. So many people say it is something to place in your past or simplify it as a problem to “deal” with then move on, but loss is something that changes your everyday. The minute before and the minute after they’ve gone marks the boundary for your new self and life. And you will miss your loved one every day.
Everyday I am trying, trying to live a life with the hurt, pain and suffering. Please, give me time. Don’t except me to be okay all the time. Don’t tell me that let go and move on, I’m trying the hardest I can to do that. I will remain angry one minute and happy the next. Each minute of each day that passes it does get a little easier but there won’t be a day when it’s all okay. I’m learning that letting go isn’t a one day thing, it’s something you have to do everyday, over and over again.