I went to visit Arlo today with my mom and little brother. I was happy my brother came because he isn’t very good at dealing with emotions, the whole thing kind of freaks him out, he won’t even look at pictures of Arlo but today he went out of his comfort zone and helped put the cool sun powered lamp in the ground and say hello. We laid some flowers on the ground, we talked him for a little bit and talked about how we wanted the gravestone to look. It was also beautiful outside, it was a pretty good way to start a Sunday.
The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about how to would be if I wasn’t planning a adoption, if I would have actually raised him on my own. Wonder if he would have actually be here. A part of me always felt like that was one of the reasons God took him, because I wasn’t taking responsibility for my actions. I know that probably sounds silly and I know that regardless of the decision I made, my son still wouldn’t be here. I believe that those kinds things are normal to think about after a loved one has passed. You think of all the things you could have done differently. While pregnant, I tried really hard to not connect with Arlo. I was trying to protect my own heart from being hurt after he was adopted. I would talk to him and play music for him once I knew he could here me and played with him to once he was bigger but there were times I ignored him and I feel absolutely horrible about it now. If I could go back I’d spend every minute I could talking to him or whatever else. I would have done so many things differently if I could.
Seeing him today, like every time, hurt. I love going there to see him and talk to him but it’s still heartbreaking for me because I know it shouldn’t be like this. I feel so hopeless. I wish I could just bring him back. All I want to do is hold him again.
“I miss you my little baby. I wish I had you here. To hug, to hold, to smell maybe and never shed a tear. I loved you dearly, I miss you everyday, I see your face so clearly. You’re just a cloud away.”