Today I kept myself busy having tickling fights and a dance party with my two oldest boys while I anxiously waited for 630 pm to come around so I could see my youngest. We arrived at our meeting place a little early so we (my mom brother and my two oldest) decided to grab a pizza and have dinner while we waited. I caught myself staring out the window of the pizza place trying to catch a glimpse of every car that drove past that was similar to the car that that the adoptive parents drive. I didnt want to pick up my phone and seem desperate but time seemed to slow down with every bite I took. Finally the door rung as Nick and Kris walked through it with baby Ryker in his car seat. My mom was the first to jump up to see him and Noah (my oldest) ran over to ask a million and one questions about his baby brother.  I waited patiently again trying not to be to desperate to hold my son. It seems as the days pass the separation anxiety gets better but the longing to hold him when he is right in front of you is hard. I was sitting on my hands just staring at him while the room around me blurred it was like everyone and everything was in fast motion and nothing slowed down until he was in my arms. I have learned that, that happens a lot its like my life is in a old VHS player thats broken everything is either in fast forward or slowed way down. Peace came over me while he slept soundly in my arms, it felt so right  i didnt get overwhelmed with emotions like day 3 and 9, maybe cause he is out of the hospital and he doesnt have wires and cords hanging off of him and I know for sure he is 100% healthy. Kris was at my side and something about both him and Nick make it so when we are all together everything seems perfect, its like every once of my being knows this is the way it should be. The hard part is when im alone with Ryker, and right now I cant explain why thats the hard part. There was a moment of the night when everyone went outside and i was sitting alone with this sweet baby i watched as he breathed i stroked his hair and whispered to him that i loved him kissed his soft cheeks it was nice because for the first time being alone with him i didnt feel like a horrible mother to him. It was a great night sad that it had to end so fast but my two oldest were getting tired and wearing everyone around them out. These next two months are probably going to be hard on some days but I know because of your amazing fathers and friends and family they will make it go by faster then it seems. So here is until next time baby boy, I love you and I hope your trip home to Seattle goes smoothly.

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-Kedra-