I have always heard parents sing this song to their kids as they rock them to sleep or to try to calm them down when they arent feeling good or got a owie.  I have always sung it to my kids. “You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when sky’s are grey please dont take my sunshine away” I would sing that part over and over again to them and it would calm them down. Today after taking Noah to meet his teacher he wanted me to sing the song so I started singing it, and for whatever reason I looked up the lyrics.  And I started crying it made me think of Ryker right away.
The second verse of this song goes “The other night dear, as i lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms. When i awoke, dear, I was mistaken and i hung my head and cried” I have been doing that a lot recently crying for Ryker. I have  been having dreams of him. The most recent dream I had was just the other day, we all (Noah, Nate, Ryker and I) were out in a field some where and they where all running around playing with each other, and Ryker ran up to me and gave me a yellow flower and gave me the biggest hug and he just sat in my lap as I held him. I woke up and started crying. I didnt want to get out of bed that day, I didnt want to do anything that day, I sat under a blanket and just watched Noah and Nathaniel run around and play and destroy the house.

Now the rest of the song is for some man longing for his wife at least thats what Im assuming, but this song I dont know if I can sing it to my kids with out feeling THAT FEELING every time I sing it to them.  Most days I feel complete and at ease but recently I have had a lot of days of feeling incomplete. I often wonder if this feeling will ever go away, if it will get stronger as he gets older or if it will diminish over time.  Right now I just take each day at a time. I wake up and try to be positive every day but there are days I just want to break down and cry. I dont like crying at all but I have learned it helps heal.  So 6 months in and I am still learning how to heal and I didnt think it would take that long.

Ryker you and your brothers are my sunshine.

fantastic-dandelion-field-in-the-mountains-desktop-background

 

-Kedra-